Saturday, March 05, 2005


it's only a little after the beginning of the year -- the western new year, the Chinese New Year, and even my own birthday year and cycle-- but im feeling like a war-torn veteran of several endings already.

if i didn't know any better, i would give in to that old bitching voice inside me, "what is it with you? why are you not satisfied with what is already there? why long for more? how dare you not stick with what's apparently good enough for most people?" which still follows me around in the aftermath of each ending.

but then, there's this other growing voice inside me, growing louder and stronger at each ending, that tells me, "this is not the one for you. you've grown enough to know who you really are and what is for you, and you know that this is not who you are, or who you want to be for long. so it's okay dear heart, you are just having to say 'no' now to a lot of things and people you should have said 'no' to years ago, but then you needed the lesson they give you to bring you closer and clearer to who you really are. you are just saying 'no' now, clearing out space in your life, and saying 'yes' to what is still being formed but is definitely coming!"

still, it's a lonely occupation, seeing clearly and choosing consciously, saying 'no' to what is already here, in favor of a bigger, higher 'yes' still unformed, keeping faith that it is on its way... standing alone in the crowd.

times like these, i actually wish i could just go back to sleep and slide away into the throng of the invisible mindless masses.
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