the preparation was more exciting than the actual day.
first day of my 37th year, i spent at home, sick from (of?) work-
feverish, headachy, even jaw-achy with my other wisdom (!) tooth erupting,
dressed in old baggy clothes, with not even a touch of lip gloss, bad hair, hohum skin,
struggling to check papers i have come to dread,
opening my journal to write it all away and hopefully feel better
but staring blankly at it instead and falling asleep,
offended a friend,
short fuse with kids,
weepy but unable to weep,
fell asleep again,
dreamt an unmemorable dream
(all i knew was the sense of something clicking into place,
me getting it at last--whatever that "it" is),
waking up now, my second day
still feeling sick
unready to face the world.
days like these,
i feel like giving up
on me.
: (
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
First Day
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4 comments:
Oh dear, Jean
It sounds like everyone is ill. I'm il, you're ill, a lot of other bloggers are ill.
Get well soon and don't give up. You're too smart to do that anyway, I know.
yes, i know!!! i only realized that after i wrote it and read a few other friends' blogs!
then i checked my astroscope-- the heavenly planets speak of miscommunication and things bogging down! : O
so i guess we shouldn't take it too personally huh? heehee.
that and your comment made me feel better, at least. thank you.
Just stumbled into your blog; found you in a low mood and then saw you snapping out of it...great. Good to see you finding your ways...I will be finding my way back to this blog often I believe.
These days when you were ill somebody was always there to take care of you.
Then someday you woke up ill and there were no one to take care of you, not even to ask how you're feeling.
Then you realized you were alone. Then you realized you've been alone right from the moment you were born anyway, so that should be natural. Then you thought you should be able to stand on your own feet and fight it. So you did.
Then you met someone. An anonymous someone. Being able to trick someone that you looked well although you felt devastated made you feel a whole lot better. Huh, you're quite an artist, aren't you?
Then you met another someone, who for some particular reason greeted you, "Good Morning". You were too busy trying to balance things within your mind you didn't even notice that.
Later after you got home your door bell rings. You opened the door, looks like it's the one who greeted you "Good Morning"... doesn't seem familiar, why would this particular person visit me at a very unfavorable time like this?
It turned out this person came to your house because this person had a subtle request. This person actually hates to work in the place your work, but this person decided not to leave because this person loved to see your smile in the morning so much and it meant that much it takes away all those griefs and sorrows for the entire day. It seems like today you haven't given this person even one smile, and this person demanded for one.
So would you smile, or start to weep, or else...?
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