Sunday, December 12, 2004

Mace

you always said i could write about you and i thought that was just the little boy in you wanting to be recognized. it amused me but i never gave it much thought.

now i want to write about you, tell you things i couldn't tell you when we meet, but suddenly words fail me.

maybe i will just speak from the heart.

you said i "cashed you in" for M, and you felt really bad about that. i cannot tell you enough times how sorry i am that i made you feel that way. i never thought i meant to you more than just a friend to share pleasures with. at least, when we started that's how i thought our understanding was-- friends in need of mutual pleasuring, even for only a brief time, like an ice cream treat on a parched summer day.

but then that second or third time, when you laughed about my innocent comment about a harem being like having eggs, cheaper by the dozen, i told you how my heart dropped to my knees, especially long after you fell asleep while i lay there very much awake thinking of what has come over me and you sleepily woke up to kiss me on the forehead.

but you never believed that, didn't you? or you never want to believe that. all you see is how you are always there for me when i have these up-and-down little loves of the moment, with you relegated to the background of just being "a friend" who listens to my rollercoaster tales.

why do i feel like i have to keep proving my self to you? it got to a point where i laid my heart out on my sleeve, but suddenly you were nice but noncommittal.

yet you keep coming back.

i try to tell my self that all you want is just plain brother-sister friendship with me now but the words you say, the tone of voice you use tell me a different thing.

i want that different thing with you too, but it is hard to read you now when my own emotions get in the way. i get afraid that maybe i am reading too much into it, and that these are all in my mind.

in Filipino, we have this term, "urong-sulong". i told you that once and suggested you ask all your other Filipino friends what that means. i don't know if you bothered to find out so i'll explain it now anyway. "Urong" means retreat, "sulong" means advance. so when somebody is "urong-sulong" he does things in a "retreat-advance" sort of way, like he doesn't know what he really wants, or he's not very clear in expressing what he wants.

that is how i feel about how you've been carrying on and it exasperates and infuriates me. i offer you my heart in my hand, you turn away. when i turn away to look for other loves, you chase me. what is it? what do you want from me?

now you are coming back again. i hope we will both be clearer this time.

i am tired of playing cat-and-mouse games.
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