Worn Down

i wish it was Christmas break already.

like a runner stretching herself to cover the last few paces of a race, or a thirsty person crawling, inching her way to a desert oasis, i have been feeling really worn down these past few weeks.

i should be happy; i am producing at par despite the feeling. i got elected to a national position in Pax Christi Pilipinas, my Toastmasters' Club colleagues are begging me to not only be their VP for membership but also their VP for education, my Department and students and kids are thriving, my school paper staff recently won 22 awards in a regional writing contest which also awarded me as one of 10 outstanding school paper advisers in the region.

what makes it more meaningful is that all these achievements are inner-driven, and the accolades and trophies are just icing on the cake, not really sought for their own sakes.

still, all im feeling these days is total exhaustion.

yesterday morning, i called in sick from work as i woke up feeling really groggy and nauseous. today is the same; add to that the fact that my 6 year old and 4 year old both have high fevers.

when i think about all the things i do, multitasking plus more multitasking as a single parent, i am amazed i am still sane and standing. and i feel like crying for my self.

suddenly, just thinking about all these things i do and still have to do wears me down further. the satisfaction from doing work well is still there, but then, there's also a sharp poignant edge coming out now-- that edge that questions how long i will still be doing all of these.

i guess im coming to my 7-year itch on the job.

that, or im starting to burn out.

i wish it was Christmas break already!