Letter to a Friend

at this point, T, this sharing of ideas and beliefs with you is enough. do you know i actually get a lot of the romance -- men coming on to me strong at first, but who fizzle out fast when i insist on just friendship first?

in a way, it has become my litmus test in my own journey and search for true love. i am tired of sweet nothings and empty promises. i want the real thing, the kind that endures and is unrelenting, bigger than any and all challenges put together that may assail us or either of us, when i do find somebody to have an "us" with.

i am reading a book, "Getting It Right At Last", something about getting out of love addiction. the book's main point is there are two different things: being in love and being in a loving relationship. love addicts tend to get trapped in repeating the first over and over with different people, but never even know what the second is like.

that sounds a lot like me. at this point in my life, i am backing off and looking inward and upward, just observing my life as it unfolds and the kind of men i attract, particularly when it comes to my lovelife. and so far, this i have observed: my tendency to fall for exciting but unavailable/unreliable/even abusive men.

the book says it all goes back to unmet childhood needs, and i guess it is true. my father is basically like that and whatever "love" i got from him , i had to earn with being a good girl and being the best student i could be with honors, awards, etc. i am still struggling with feeling comfortable about receiving love from anybody, just for being me, without earning it in some way.

so what im trying to say is i am at a point in my life where i need to get out of this "addiction" if that's what's im really into. maybe you are the best person to talk to about this because you can definitely relate with addiction! heehee.

i am at that point where i see now the harm and uselessness of my addiction and trying to wean my self away from it, but at the same time, i am still so vulnerable. then, too, the alternative -- meeting available and kind men -- seems still so bland and boring if not distasteful, at this point anyway. so i have a long way to go huh, before i can have a really loving relationship at last.

which leads me to my answer to your question i guess: about doing vs. being. i believe in being first, then doing. i believe in transforming and raising one's consciousness to the level which makes it "natural" for what one wants to just "fall" into one's life, and then when one has attained the consciousness, to help it along with doing. because if one started by doing first without being, there will be resistance everywhere.

for example, with your job and graduate school rejections, i want to ask if you also asked them why they "rejected" your applications (not you, mind you)? was it something you said, wrote, or the way you projected your self to them that turned them off? like if you go around thinking like a failure and looking like a failure and a slob ( if you thought like one, you're bound to look like one), if you were them, would you hire somebody who projected that image?

frankly, i can't believe why they would not accept your applications. you are a good person with a good mind and very good communication skills. so the only thing left for me to think about is maybe you are not impressing them with your packaging that's all. please don't go huffing and puffing on about it's what's inside that counts. i believe that too; in fact we are one of the few who go more for the inner stuff than the outer.

but in a superficial world with superficial people, i think that since we're smarter, we have to humor them by giving them the appropriate packaging that they expect and impresses them so much, that they forget about the substance. and then when we've got our foot in the door, we further amaze them with our inner stuff.

that's how i see it.