ive been acting strange these days; not at all the usual cheerful, can-do, Pollyana-ish me.
suddenly, i am always tired and sleepy... and weepy. i feel like i'm a big walking gaping wound; somebody brushes me accidentally, i might just bleed over all over again. i even feel unsexual, when im normally feeling sexy and naughty, even with just my own company. :(
so earlier at 4 a.m. this morning, after a bathroom break, i logged on and checked out "post traumatic stress" in google.
i guess i exhibit a lot of the symptoms--
emotions of guilt and self-blame, insecurity about one's self-worth, bleak feelings about the future, social withdrawal... cognitive experiences of intense self-doubt, inability to concentrate on even minor tasks, feeling extremely tired and sleepy yet waking up at odd hours, eating erratically...
and the suggestions for self-help i'm trying to do now too--
self care, lots of it: lots of sleep and rest, healthy eating and exercise (well, i haven't gotten around to resuming my looong nature walks yet), doing things ive always loved to do again (like reading and writing and watching films), even indulging my self for a spa massage and some beauty-parlor pampering...
but it all feels like a steep uphill climb, still.
right now, i just want to disappear into the pavement cracks or be blown away like smoke, naturally disintegrating, being one with the earth yet being no one at all.
those two months with the pedophile must have really meant something huh. for a while, long-buried hopes and dreams were reborn again, and i was starting to ease into trust again...
oh shit. why do i get my self into traps like these?
why do i fall for the wrong people?
sometimes i wish i had no heart. like most people seem to be.