i just came in from a visioning congress where i was a volunteer main documentor. the keynote speaker was our country's top senator, a young man in his early 40s who's loved and respected for his integrity, intelligence and performance in business and government service.
since i was the one solely responsible for transcribing his extemporaneous speech, i think i absorbed almost all of his words and ideas. what struck me most was his example on how our province, in 1986, had a GDP which was 85% dependent on our sugar-based economy; and how now, 18 years later, our province's GDP is still 85% dependent on our sugar-based economy. no wonder we can't get out of our economic rut, sugar now being a sunset commodity in the global market.
the senator exhorted setting specific measurable directions that veered away from sugar dependence. he said, pick a figure and pick a timetable, any figure and date will be correct. what is important is you decide on a goal. that goal changes your direction. any decision that comes afterward becomes subsumed to whether it supports that goal or not.
this made me think about my life.
it's been 2 1/2 years since i left a horribly sick marriage, and so far i've been doing quite well, in fact, better than most people who have left their marriages/been left in their marriages, other people told me.
i have done my emotional work of healing and growing and becoming more mature in many ways, i have forgiven the ex and the past and am now starting to move on, i am doing work i love to do and my career is thriving, my kids are doing really okay growing wiser and stronger in character without losing their basic innocence, all that's left is finetuning my financial security and stability so i can really move on with taking care of my self and my own without having to be so economically vulnerable.
i remember now some goals ive set for my self for when im 40, which will be in 4 years. basically those goals mean achieving economic stability and security as i steer my career towards doing more of the work i love to do and am best at -- writing, speaking and connecting with people, traveling.
although ive always hoped and wished for somebody special to share my life with, i just realized that i've never really made it into a conscious goal. i actually see my self flourishing independently on my own for a while, before i settle down again to commit to another and build a life with another, at around 40.
so why have i been bashing my self lately over experiences which are not even part of my overall personal life plan for a while?
maybe it's just the feeling of loneliness sometimes, and being so different from everybody else i know, and the deep longing to connect with someone and share my life intimately with that someone for the long haul. sometimes, it's just the feeling of being so alone, so besieged by life and feeling overwhelmed from being the one solely responsible for three young individuals in my care.
those are the times when i really long for somebody to talk with, somebody to carry the load for a while as i rest and renew my self, somebody to share my joys and pains and fears with, and be understood and loved and accepted and cherished by, just as i am, somebody to hug me and hold my hand and tell me that i'm good, i'm doing okay, that everything will turn out okay after all. it is scary and lonely being alone sometimes and seeing everybody else with somebodies of their own, you know.
but then looking at my self and my needs and my goals again, do i really want that now? am i really ready for it now? or are the few precious friendships i have enough to satisfy the need for companionship and comradeship, for now?
i am beginning to suspect that the real answers to those questions above are a no, a no, and a yes. just basing on my internal feeling of readiness.
i never dated before i met and married my ex, so i guess i must've just been making up for lost time learning and exploring the world of life, "love" and men these past 2 1/2 years or so, mostly from a safe distance, here on the net. with all the adventures and misadventures i've had, i am glad it's only been on the net! ; > at least no permanent harm has been done to me bodily or to my reputation!!! heehee.
but oh how i have grown, and oh how i have learned! (this will require another separate blog... hmmm)
maybe for now, where and how i am now is actually best for me, that i am exactly where and how i meant my self to be.
life has meaning for me now (since the sep actually) because i am handcrafting my life the way i want it crafted, on my own terms, in my own time. it's a difficult but rich life. and im getting there, to that place i mean for my self to be.
so stop bashing your self and pulling your self down by paying too much attention to short-term disappointments which might even actually be helping you towards your long term goals, dear heart.
as Rainier Maria Rilke once said, "be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart... try to love the questions themselves... for someday you will most likely stumble along into the answers", when you're ready for them, and when it's time.