Friday, November 26, 2004

That Ache

sometimes, it catches me by surprise. if i had physical balls, i could say it grabs me by the balls.

today, at noon, i suddenly felt weepy and i didn't know why. a wave of terrible loneliness and pain washed over me and i felt like crumpling down in tears. and i was in the middle of a top administrative meeting!

then a colleague and friend who was sitting beside me leaned over to look at my notes, and my god, how i ached from the gut and belly!

that manly scent, his skin brushing against my arm, that deep masculine voice speaking to me softly in an innocent conspiratorial whisper -- they all confluenced to grip me so hard i hyperventilated, both in extreme longing and frustration.

driving home for lunch, i suddenly gave in and cried. i remembered it has been sooo long, 9 months and 6 days to be exact. and i wept for what i missed, what i have been missing, and wondered how long i could go on still without it.

i ran through the admirers ive been keeping at bay: who? which one? when? should i just give in now for the heck of it?

one recent admirer's words kept ringing in my ear: "I was not trying to make an offer for physical contact with you, just trying to suggest that I think you are capable of learning and growing and not falling back into the old routines. I really hope that you can find someone you can have that with and to be happy, even if it ends too soon."

that jarred me back -- "if it ends too soon."

why should it have to end too soon if something meaningful and substantial is what we say we both want?

and then it hit me -- he is the same with all the rest, so far. no matter what is said or promised, it all comes down to one thing they want from me: temporary pleasures at the least inconvenience.

i want to have it all and i can give it all, for the long haul.

what is so wrong with requiring as much as what i'm willing to give, and not settling for less?

if suffering my temporary aches is the cost of saving my self for something good and real and lasting, so be it.


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