Sunday, November 21, 2004

Inward Trip

this always happens to me every time i take a trip away from home.

i come back more conscious of how my present life is being lived; it's like im an observer and visitor to my own life.

it takes a while getting used to my life here in Bacolod again. even if i have physically arrived, my consciousness still retains the level and quality of the one i've reached in the place i've travelled to. i seem to imbibe the very aura of a place when i go to it even for a day or two; i am very sensitive to nuances in culture this way.

like right now, i see my children and i feel how blessed and thankful i am that they are there in my life. i see my home with them, my books, our things and i see how simple yet so rich my life is. i see my paperwork that reminds me of my work and friends at school and my career and i see how lucky i am to be doing the kind of work that i'm not only very good at but which i also love to do. i see the simplicity and integrity of it all-- my children, my home, my things, my work, my friends, my life -- and i wonder why i make it so complicated sometimes by my periodic ups and downs and angst about my so-called lovelife. it will happen-- true love-- in it's own perfect time. why torture my self needlessly with false ones?

a while ago, my two younger kids were quarreling and the noise rose to a din but i ignored it, feeling immune to it all, thinking "it's their business, let them settle it themselves", and i wondered why many times i let my self get sucked into their little wars and exhaust my self further by trying to make all things right for every body, when they can very well get along fine without me having to say or do a thing.

i watch and see everything, both the outer things and the inner ones-- what is there in my life and how i feel and think about them. and then it all comes down to the "re-realization":

i am me in my mind and heart. that is the real me. all the things out there are creations of the me i have been, so far. and if i don't like them, i only have to change the kind of me i am in my mind and heart, and the outer things will follow.

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