that's what im feeling these days-- old and new at the same time.
old like soul-weary old-- been there, done that, seen all, heard all, accept all with tolerance and magnanimity.
at 37 i seem to have lived a lifetime already: from sheltered and naive young lady to guileless trophy wife to fiercely loving mother to brave and wisened separada to passionate (and many times, foolish) lover, to bright and rising career woman... and now, it is just... me.
what else is there left for me to do?
yet, at 37, too, i stand poised at the edge of new explorations and new discoveries, not so much about my self now but about the world and engaging my powers with the world. i am free again, and free at last, to just be me, to live life on my own terms now, and to lovingly handcraft my life as i see fit.
i am feeling these days both like an old crone and a young girl all at once, not to mention a woman peaking in her powers.
but, at the same time, it is the loneliest feeling in the world-- to not really belong anywhere, neither here nor there, but always to be somebody in between, a mix of everything and nothing all at once, understanding and knowing everyone yet not being understood nor known by anyone...
blessed and cursed at the same time.
sigh.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
Fatherless Day
in anticipation of Father's Day on sunday, Bea's preschool class wanted to celebrate it today with a special activity where fathers are supposed to come to school and play games and do learning activities with their kids.
Bea's teacher gave me the note yesterday, and as i read it my heart sank. i told her frankly that Bea's father and i are annulled and that he doesn't live with us anymore. she said we could bring any other adult male member of the family, like an uncle or grandfather. i flatly told her that Bea's grandfather is not physically fit enough to join the activities, and that her uncle is far away in Manila. the teacher lamely asked us to just ... "try".
even during our marriage, it was one big production to just coax the ex to attend his children's school activities. when he did, he always acted as if he should be somewhere else with better things to do, that ive learned to not expect him to deliver anyway, even if i keep the invitations coming, out of a basic respect for his right to be their father, whether he exercises that right or not. but yesterday, the thought of inviting him again, and getting a refusal again, just really depressed me, that i decided to not even bother.
while driving home, i ran through my head who i could invite. there are platonic male friends and colleagues, but the thought of how Bea would take it and how my male friends would take it tired me out. ours is still a conservative society and i haven't exactly introduced my friends to my children, much less put them together to face other people.
i thought of my brother-in-law and i was almost sure he would agree, as my sister would help in convincing him (not that it would take a lot of convincing), but considering that he's still recovering from his accident with his one leg left, and their own concerns, too, i felt it would be too much of an imposition. i did bring the matter up with Bea though and she smiled at the thought of having her Tito Ping come instead.
so that was almost settled. i planned to talk to him later in the evening when he and my sister would pick me up for a meeting, even as i also planned to go to the Mall on my way home late in the afternoon to buy the materials Bea's teacher requested me to prepare.
but it rained heavily yesterday, and i have trouble driving in my old car, not being able to see clearly, with the water leaking into the car. going to the Mall became too much extra trouble, so i didnt go after all but went straight home.
then too, i had a late night meeting with the top officers of the local chinese chamber of commerce for a writing project they wanted me to do but which i really didnt want to do (considering my already loaded writing projects schedule), with my sister facilitating the meeting. i thought that would have been a good time to bring the matter up with my sister and my brother-in-law... but then i remembered i didnt't have all the materials prepared... and the meeting taxed me too much...
then too, it broke my heart yesterday when Bea innocently told me in the car that she tried "negotiating" with her teacher to let her Big Brother come instead. the teacher initially said yes, but when she found out that her Big Brother was still small-- our 7-year-old Paolo-- the teacher withdrew her yes. : (
on our way home, she thought deeply and said, "Ma, you could come instead. you're our father, too... you bring us food and pay our bills and keep us safe, don't you?"
i smiled at the thought, although it further broke my heart, but i kept that idea in reserve. ... yes, why the hell not? : )
but today, i woke up just plain tired and groggy, with not enough spirit and no chutzpah at all to go through with it.
so finally, Bea and i decided that she just will not go to school today.
:(
Bea's teacher gave me the note yesterday, and as i read it my heart sank. i told her frankly that Bea's father and i are annulled and that he doesn't live with us anymore. she said we could bring any other adult male member of the family, like an uncle or grandfather. i flatly told her that Bea's grandfather is not physically fit enough to join the activities, and that her uncle is far away in Manila. the teacher lamely asked us to just ... "try".
even during our marriage, it was one big production to just coax the ex to attend his children's school activities. when he did, he always acted as if he should be somewhere else with better things to do, that ive learned to not expect him to deliver anyway, even if i keep the invitations coming, out of a basic respect for his right to be their father, whether he exercises that right or not. but yesterday, the thought of inviting him again, and getting a refusal again, just really depressed me, that i decided to not even bother.
while driving home, i ran through my head who i could invite. there are platonic male friends and colleagues, but the thought of how Bea would take it and how my male friends would take it tired me out. ours is still a conservative society and i haven't exactly introduced my friends to my children, much less put them together to face other people.
i thought of my brother-in-law and i was almost sure he would agree, as my sister would help in convincing him (not that it would take a lot of convincing), but considering that he's still recovering from his accident with his one leg left, and their own concerns, too, i felt it would be too much of an imposition. i did bring the matter up with Bea though and she smiled at the thought of having her Tito Ping come instead.
so that was almost settled. i planned to talk to him later in the evening when he and my sister would pick me up for a meeting, even as i also planned to go to the Mall on my way home late in the afternoon to buy the materials Bea's teacher requested me to prepare.
but it rained heavily yesterday, and i have trouble driving in my old car, not being able to see clearly, with the water leaking into the car. going to the Mall became too much extra trouble, so i didnt go after all but went straight home.
then too, i had a late night meeting with the top officers of the local chinese chamber of commerce for a writing project they wanted me to do but which i really didnt want to do (considering my already loaded writing projects schedule), with my sister facilitating the meeting. i thought that would have been a good time to bring the matter up with my sister and my brother-in-law... but then i remembered i didnt't have all the materials prepared... and the meeting taxed me too much...
then too, it broke my heart yesterday when Bea innocently told me in the car that she tried "negotiating" with her teacher to let her Big Brother come instead. the teacher initially said yes, but when she found out that her Big Brother was still small-- our 7-year-old Paolo-- the teacher withdrew her yes. : (
on our way home, she thought deeply and said, "Ma, you could come instead. you're our father, too... you bring us food and pay our bills and keep us safe, don't you?"
i smiled at the thought, although it further broke my heart, but i kept that idea in reserve. ... yes, why the hell not? : )
but today, i woke up just plain tired and groggy, with not enough spirit and no chutzpah at all to go through with it.
so finally, Bea and i decided that she just will not go to school today.
:(
Monday, June 13, 2005
Queer Eye
i spent the whole morning unpacking stuff from my former office and reorganizing them at home. between one garbage bag (i placed the stuff in garbage bags) and another, i would rest for a while, go online, check for emails, sign out, and surf the tv for something interesting.
by the third bag, i was hooked on this new show, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. the five happy queers in the show were "making over" a middle-aged biker guy in time for his renewal of vows with his wife of 26 years (well, they were technically married for only 10 but have since then deepened their love and friendship for each other after their divorce!).
it was fun seeing the gay men teach the biker guy fashion and grooming and even cake decoration and ring selection, with the biker guy just going along grinning shyly and saying, "yeah", or "intense". the show took a surprisingly wonderful turn when they brought the biker guy to a salon and had his long hair and beard of ten years cut and groomed-- the guy looked like a movie star, clean shaven!
his grown children oohed and ahhed at his transformation, but what touched me most was his gamely going along with the queers, doing his best for his lady love, donning on new non-biker wardrobes, baking her a cake, and assigning his grown-up children other pre-ceremony stuff. his self-written vows were awkward but sweet; it was raining that day of the ceremony and he compared their lives to the downpour, and her as the eternal sun shining behind the dark clouds.
in the end, the show made me cry, but in a good way. here's this biker family, all gruff and non-sentimental, showing the world what real love could be.
*****
i'm done sorting through my garbage bags. now on to the book shelves.
by the third bag, i was hooked on this new show, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. the five happy queers in the show were "making over" a middle-aged biker guy in time for his renewal of vows with his wife of 26 years (well, they were technically married for only 10 but have since then deepened their love and friendship for each other after their divorce!).
it was fun seeing the gay men teach the biker guy fashion and grooming and even cake decoration and ring selection, with the biker guy just going along grinning shyly and saying, "yeah", or "intense". the show took a surprisingly wonderful turn when they brought the biker guy to a salon and had his long hair and beard of ten years cut and groomed-- the guy looked like a movie star, clean shaven!
his grown children oohed and ahhed at his transformation, but what touched me most was his gamely going along with the queers, doing his best for his lady love, donning on new non-biker wardrobes, baking her a cake, and assigning his grown-up children other pre-ceremony stuff. his self-written vows were awkward but sweet; it was raining that day of the ceremony and he compared their lives to the downpour, and her as the eternal sun shining behind the dark clouds.
in the end, the show made me cry, but in a good way. here's this biker family, all gruff and non-sentimental, showing the world what real love could be.
*****
i'm done sorting through my garbage bags. now on to the book shelves.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
This Ordinary Life
family and friends ask me how im doing right now, but what can i say, really, without boring them to death about my excitement for what they consider as "the ordinary life"?
i have more time for my self and my children now. i can sleep when everyone else does, and wake up when everyone else does, not at the usual sleeping at 8pm waking at 2am kind of life i have been used to for more than a decade.
i can enjoy weekends now, just lounging around doing what i pleased, eating when i wanted, or sleeping when i felt like it, not spend my weekends still working at home, catching up on endless work backlog, and trying to be a step or two ahead of next week's, next month's work deadlines.
i have just enough money to provide for our needs now, and i feel blessed for that. i can make plans and dreams for things id like the children and i to have in the next few months, and even years, because i have the resources now to plan that far ahead. gone were the days when even thinking about where tomorrow's meal would come from was a major challenge.
i have been working for as far back as i can remember, maybe starting at age 6, when i learned to count, and was made to help out in my parents' general merchandise business. i remember when it was a tremendous source of guilt for me and my siblings to be caught lounging around or sleeping the day off, when there were a lot of chores to do at home and for the business. i can count on the fingers of my hand the few times i was able to sneak out to catch a movie with friends, much less go on dates all throughout my growing up years.
marriage didnt improve things either. i not only had to take care of my children as they came and grew, i also had to take care of a child in a man's body who expected the world to revolve around him.
giving, giving, giving....
only one who's also been where i've been can truly understand and appreciate my quiet exultation now at the ordinary things i am able to do for my self, at my own pace, in my own way.
i can watch tv again at my leisure now, and i am starting to rekindle a keen interest for my oldtime favorites, Oprah and The Lifestyle Channel. : ) i even see my self learning how to cook at last (!) and looking at house and furnishings designs, too... i am rediscovering unread books in my book shelves, and reconnecting with old friends even as i make new ones.
the struggling life is over. things seem to be just coming to me now without my having to strive hard for them, and they are the things that arouse my deepest desires and passions too. i am content to just be me, and let things come as they will, and let them go too when it's time.
i am feeling like i have grown so many eons older, yet also newly born, with my life opening up to all sorts of possibilities.
somebody asked me some days ago, how my life is like these days, and all i could blurt out was, "now i know what a retiree feels like!" : ) my friend smiled and giggled but she looked confused too, thinking it must be a bad thing, when i meant it to be a good thing.
but how could i explain?
... this ordinary life, this rich, meaningful, joyful, blessed ordinary life.
i have more time for my self and my children now. i can sleep when everyone else does, and wake up when everyone else does, not at the usual sleeping at 8pm waking at 2am kind of life i have been used to for more than a decade.
i can enjoy weekends now, just lounging around doing what i pleased, eating when i wanted, or sleeping when i felt like it, not spend my weekends still working at home, catching up on endless work backlog, and trying to be a step or two ahead of next week's, next month's work deadlines.
i have just enough money to provide for our needs now, and i feel blessed for that. i can make plans and dreams for things id like the children and i to have in the next few months, and even years, because i have the resources now to plan that far ahead. gone were the days when even thinking about where tomorrow's meal would come from was a major challenge.
i have been working for as far back as i can remember, maybe starting at age 6, when i learned to count, and was made to help out in my parents' general merchandise business. i remember when it was a tremendous source of guilt for me and my siblings to be caught lounging around or sleeping the day off, when there were a lot of chores to do at home and for the business. i can count on the fingers of my hand the few times i was able to sneak out to catch a movie with friends, much less go on dates all throughout my growing up years.
marriage didnt improve things either. i not only had to take care of my children as they came and grew, i also had to take care of a child in a man's body who expected the world to revolve around him.
giving, giving, giving....
only one who's also been where i've been can truly understand and appreciate my quiet exultation now at the ordinary things i am able to do for my self, at my own pace, in my own way.
i can watch tv again at my leisure now, and i am starting to rekindle a keen interest for my oldtime favorites, Oprah and The Lifestyle Channel. : ) i even see my self learning how to cook at last (!) and looking at house and furnishings designs, too... i am rediscovering unread books in my book shelves, and reconnecting with old friends even as i make new ones.
the struggling life is over. things seem to be just coming to me now without my having to strive hard for them, and they are the things that arouse my deepest desires and passions too. i am content to just be me, and let things come as they will, and let them go too when it's time.
i am feeling like i have grown so many eons older, yet also newly born, with my life opening up to all sorts of possibilities.
somebody asked me some days ago, how my life is like these days, and all i could blurt out was, "now i know what a retiree feels like!" : ) my friend smiled and giggled but she looked confused too, thinking it must be a bad thing, when i meant it to be a good thing.
but how could i explain?
... this ordinary life, this rich, meaningful, joyful, blessed ordinary life.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
What Is Better Than Being Rich?
"I have found that I cannot predict the stock market except over very long periods. I cannot tell you when the housing bubble will burst - only that it will burst. I cannot tell you when the dollar will stop rallying - only that it will stop. So I cannot tell you anything that, in a few minutes, will tell you how to be rich.
"But I can tell you how to feel rich, which is far better, let me tell you firsthand, than being rich. Be grateful. ... Be grateful about everything and you'll feel a lot richer than the billionaires I know who are always moaning about everything that happens and who lament, like King Canute, that they cannot control the waves of the market or the business cycle."
- Ben Stein, writing in The New York Times
*****
that is how i feel these days, more than being rich. : ) ... life works out for the best, God is good, dreams can come true, anything is possible.
and it's a kind of feeling no one can take away from me now.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Free
i received a surprise visit from the ex today, the surprise mostly coming from the fact that he finally dared to enter the house in my presence. he usually just stops by the gate and relays whatever messages he has for me through the maid.
today, though, to his credit, he was man enough to face me, and hand me a set of papers from The Court himself, my copy of The Court's decision on our Petition for the Declaration of Nullity of Marriage:
...WHEREFORE, Premises Considered, based on the foregoing citations and/or jurisprudence and under the "totality rule" this Court is safe to decree that the marriage between the plaintiff and the defendant on 16 May 1992 is null and void ab initio and the parties are restored to their former civil status.
Let copies of this Decision be furnished the Office of the Local Civil Registrar of Bacolod City, Negros Occidental, the Office of the Solicitor General, Manila, the Office of the City Prosecutor, Bacolod City, the parties and counsel for their guidance.
SO ORDERED.
Bacolod City, Philippines, 17 May 2005.
*****
thirteen years to the very day.
today, though, to his credit, he was man enough to face me, and hand me a set of papers from The Court himself, my copy of The Court's decision on our Petition for the Declaration of Nullity of Marriage:
...WHEREFORE, Premises Considered, based on the foregoing citations and/or jurisprudence and under the "totality rule" this Court is safe to decree that the marriage between the plaintiff and the defendant on 16 May 1992 is null and void ab initio and the parties are restored to their former civil status.
Let copies of this Decision be furnished the Office of the Local Civil Registrar of Bacolod City, Negros Occidental, the Office of the Solicitor General, Manila, the Office of the City Prosecutor, Bacolod City, the parties and counsel for their guidance.
SO ORDERED.
Bacolod City, Philippines, 17 May 2005.
*****
thirteen years to the very day.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Precious Moments
this is only my second day living an "ordinary" life again, but i am seeing how i let my life be held hostage for four years serving other people, to the detriment of my own personal wellbeing.
i treat everything with wonder and amazement now, like i'm seeing, hearing, doing it for the first time, and i savor each moment and the varied textures of each moment, slowly, langourously, even if the act is something as ordinary as soaping my self while showering, or chewing my food well when im eating, or wiping the dust off my books and rearranging them in their shelf.
i look upon my life with more awareness of its preciousness now, feeling more protective and nurturing, like a mother would her new baby...
im not going to mortgage my life to other so-called "success" things again.
i treat everything with wonder and amazement now, like i'm seeing, hearing, doing it for the first time, and i savor each moment and the varied textures of each moment, slowly, langourously, even if the act is something as ordinary as soaping my self while showering, or chewing my food well when im eating, or wiping the dust off my books and rearranging them in their shelf.
i look upon my life with more awareness of its preciousness now, feeling more protective and nurturing, like a mother would her new baby...
im not going to mortgage my life to other so-called "success" things again.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Today
today, i celebrate my Freedom by spoiling my self the whole day. : D
it is 6am now and im just about done with my emails.
i am going out for a long morning walk in a while.
then i'll come back to savor a big breakfast and a loong shower.
then i go to the facial clinic for some long overdue facial pampering.
after that i go to the beauty parlor next door to the clinic for a hot oil treatment on my hair, even as i have a foot spa and my nails done.
by then, it will be lunch, and im taking my self out on a date to my favorite pasta restaurant.
then, i'll have good, rich mocha caramel coffee as i further wind down and relax...
to cap the day off with a good long sauna and full body massage at my favorite spa!
mmmmmmm.... hhhuuugggssss to me!
happy birthday, new life.
it is 6am now and im just about done with my emails.
i am going out for a long morning walk in a while.
then i'll come back to savor a big breakfast and a loong shower.
then i go to the facial clinic for some long overdue facial pampering.
after that i go to the beauty parlor next door to the clinic for a hot oil treatment on my hair, even as i have a foot spa and my nails done.
by then, it will be lunch, and im taking my self out on a date to my favorite pasta restaurant.
then, i'll have good, rich mocha caramel coffee as i further wind down and relax...
to cap the day off with a good long sauna and full body massage at my favorite spa!
mmmmmmm.... hhhuuugggssss to me!
happy birthday, new life.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Tomorrow
tomorrow, may 31, is my last day at work as department chair. the office has been cleaned out and i've oriented the incoming Chair... i am feeling both excited at the thought yet bittersweet too.
it's been four years after all. when i started, i was clueless about a lot of things, especially about the ways of the world and people. i was very much married then, too.
so in a way, the challenges and demands of the job coincided with my intense growth and blossoming as a person and as a woman, coming into her own at last.
and tomorrow, i mark the end of that journey...
it's been four years after all. when i started, i was clueless about a lot of things, especially about the ways of the world and people. i was very much married then, too.
so in a way, the challenges and demands of the job coincided with my intense growth and blossoming as a person and as a woman, coming into her own at last.
and tomorrow, i mark the end of that journey...
Sunday, May 29, 2005
New-s
when your mom asks, you can't help but give it to her. : )
i know i haven't been my usual blogging self lately, and some friends have started asking why, and how i am these days. but it was okay, i couldn't be budged still, until mama called tonight to ask why there's no update in my blog. so here goes...
*****
what can i say? 'been too busy, with so many new things happening in my life all at once, i guess.
first, there was my first speaking engagement at Bohol, which, despite my anxiety and nervousness, seemed to work out fine in substance. i think i was able to establish quick rapport with the women from Mindanao, as they talked to me like one of them already during breaks and dinner. then too, they kept using many of the new futures studies terms i introduced in my talk at their meeting afterwards, which i also sat in... so i guess i did fine, except that i was so tense and excited during my presentation i grew breathless, almost gasping for air at certain points of the talk, with my voice breaking into a croak. : (
this just reminded me that i ought to get back to my Toastmasters' Club meetings again and finish that CTM (Competent Toastmaster) level of 10 basic speeches with evaluations...
the trip was a healing trip, though, despite the initial stress (i checked in late at the airport so i got bumped off; luckily, my friend Jo, who was supposed to assist me in that talk, gave her slot to me, so i got to go to Bohol instead, and she got left behind...). i met such wonderful, wise, fun, strong and independent women there and their energies were a natural high. one of the ladies who formerly worked with Ford Foundation and was now a consultant for the group brought me to her home atop a hill, where you get a majestic view of the mountains or the sea, depending on which side of the open-air house you were looking out from. she also introduced me to another wonderful woman, the owner of The Bee Farm, whose energies and passions about her organic farm were so palpable, you come out feeling not only refreshed but reinvigorated, after visiting her farm and meeting her.
these were all mostly women in their mid-forties and up, women much older than my self. and i thought to my self, "who said middle and old age for women was boring? i can't wait to be 50, or 80 even!" : )
the other wonderful thing about the Bohol trip is that it's the first step to making my speaking career dream come true. ive written before on this blog how i dream of living an independent life after 40, earning comfortably from home from my writing and speaking and online business and consultancies, even as i travel and explore the world for virtually free (from the all-expenses paid speaking engagements)! it is an incomparably delicious kind of joy being finally in the path of one's dreams... and i guess my silence these days has also to do with privately savoring this joy now, basking in its afterglow...
second, it's enrolment week for us at school, and as Department Chair on the last few days of my term before my resignation officially takes effect on may 31, im right in the middle of the bedlam, advising students on their academic loads, as well as assisting them with registration and other enrolment problems. i spend 12- to 15-hour days at work during these times, and when i get home, all i could do is shower, eat and sleep. to describe my self as "pooped" would be an understatement.
third, new little discoveries about my children--
> Paolo, making and printing a birthday card for Bea, out of his own volition, and writing on the card (with my assistance only at spelling): Dear Bea, you give us happiness. we love you. happy birthday!" "You give us happiness." wow. and coming from a 7-year-old at that.
> Bea, with newly-invented words she uses when she's asked to do something, "goodwards, or badwards?" : )
fourth, my new Nokia 7260 cellphone, at last! and spending most of the week getting to know its many wondrous functions, taking pictures, recording songs, taking video images, emailing, gaming... the kids and i have been mostly spending our time together at home just playing with it and taking pictures and videos of our selves clowning around and having fun!
fifth, just today we had our orientation meeting at the Pax Christi Pilipinas office. i am one of the lucky 20 offered by pax christi a full year's scholarship for an MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies and today was our first meeting as a class. all we have to do in return is to commit ourselves to teaching and training others, too, in the ways of peace, after we graduate.
i can never speak enough of my passion for my involvement with pax christi and about how it excites me no end to be engaged in volunteer work that tries to make a dent in making the world a better place to live in by transforming people's consciousness and understanding of their realities, presenting to them alternative and more creative ways of dealing with life's inevitable conflicts. becoming more deeply involved in this training is closest to my heart, so much so that i decided to quit my PhD Applied Linguistics program to focus on this instead, and look at another PhD later in the fields of peace and culture studies, rather than in the traditional doctorate programs.
this also ties in, too, with my after-40 dream of an independent career in writing, speaking and consultancy, as it points to many possibilities for training people in different parts of the world, not just in the country...!!!
sixth, the last news for the week, and maybe the best news so far -- i have only two days more to go as Department Chair, and im celebrating my Freedom from the tyranny of administrative demands to a whole day treat at the beauty parlor and the spa (facial, foot spa, manicure and pedicure, full body massage, the whole works!) on June 1! : D it's been four years of nonstop serving and giving to other people; i get my own life back at last, and am looking forward to my well-deserved self-treat!!! : D hurrayyyyy!!!
everything suddenly so new, with new doors opening even as old ones close, and my life is my own now, blooming and growing in ways that i deeply desire, on my own terms at last.
can anyone blame me for savoring these sublime joys to my self, for a while, before i share them with the world?
: ) God is good.
i know i haven't been my usual blogging self lately, and some friends have started asking why, and how i am these days. but it was okay, i couldn't be budged still, until mama called tonight to ask why there's no update in my blog. so here goes...
*****
what can i say? 'been too busy, with so many new things happening in my life all at once, i guess.
first, there was my first speaking engagement at Bohol, which, despite my anxiety and nervousness, seemed to work out fine in substance. i think i was able to establish quick rapport with the women from Mindanao, as they talked to me like one of them already during breaks and dinner. then too, they kept using many of the new futures studies terms i introduced in my talk at their meeting afterwards, which i also sat in... so i guess i did fine, except that i was so tense and excited during my presentation i grew breathless, almost gasping for air at certain points of the talk, with my voice breaking into a croak. : (
this just reminded me that i ought to get back to my Toastmasters' Club meetings again and finish that CTM (Competent Toastmaster) level of 10 basic speeches with evaluations...
the trip was a healing trip, though, despite the initial stress (i checked in late at the airport so i got bumped off; luckily, my friend Jo, who was supposed to assist me in that talk, gave her slot to me, so i got to go to Bohol instead, and she got left behind...). i met such wonderful, wise, fun, strong and independent women there and their energies were a natural high. one of the ladies who formerly worked with Ford Foundation and was now a consultant for the group brought me to her home atop a hill, where you get a majestic view of the mountains or the sea, depending on which side of the open-air house you were looking out from. she also introduced me to another wonderful woman, the owner of The Bee Farm, whose energies and passions about her organic farm were so palpable, you come out feeling not only refreshed but reinvigorated, after visiting her farm and meeting her.
these were all mostly women in their mid-forties and up, women much older than my self. and i thought to my self, "who said middle and old age for women was boring? i can't wait to be 50, or 80 even!" : )
the other wonderful thing about the Bohol trip is that it's the first step to making my speaking career dream come true. ive written before on this blog how i dream of living an independent life after 40, earning comfortably from home from my writing and speaking and online business and consultancies, even as i travel and explore the world for virtually free (from the all-expenses paid speaking engagements)! it is an incomparably delicious kind of joy being finally in the path of one's dreams... and i guess my silence these days has also to do with privately savoring this joy now, basking in its afterglow...
second, it's enrolment week for us at school, and as Department Chair on the last few days of my term before my resignation officially takes effect on may 31, im right in the middle of the bedlam, advising students on their academic loads, as well as assisting them with registration and other enrolment problems. i spend 12- to 15-hour days at work during these times, and when i get home, all i could do is shower, eat and sleep. to describe my self as "pooped" would be an understatement.
third, new little discoveries about my children--
> Paolo, making and printing a birthday card for Bea, out of his own volition, and writing on the card (with my assistance only at spelling): Dear Bea, you give us happiness. we love you. happy birthday!" "You give us happiness." wow. and coming from a 7-year-old at that.
> Bea, with newly-invented words she uses when she's asked to do something, "goodwards, or badwards?" : )
fourth, my new Nokia 7260 cellphone, at last! and spending most of the week getting to know its many wondrous functions, taking pictures, recording songs, taking video images, emailing, gaming... the kids and i have been mostly spending our time together at home just playing with it and taking pictures and videos of our selves clowning around and having fun!
fifth, just today we had our orientation meeting at the Pax Christi Pilipinas office. i am one of the lucky 20 offered by pax christi a full year's scholarship for an MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies and today was our first meeting as a class. all we have to do in return is to commit ourselves to teaching and training others, too, in the ways of peace, after we graduate.
i can never speak enough of my passion for my involvement with pax christi and about how it excites me no end to be engaged in volunteer work that tries to make a dent in making the world a better place to live in by transforming people's consciousness and understanding of their realities, presenting to them alternative and more creative ways of dealing with life's inevitable conflicts. becoming more deeply involved in this training is closest to my heart, so much so that i decided to quit my PhD Applied Linguistics program to focus on this instead, and look at another PhD later in the fields of peace and culture studies, rather than in the traditional doctorate programs.
this also ties in, too, with my after-40 dream of an independent career in writing, speaking and consultancy, as it points to many possibilities for training people in different parts of the world, not just in the country...!!!
sixth, the last news for the week, and maybe the best news so far -- i have only two days more to go as Department Chair, and im celebrating my Freedom from the tyranny of administrative demands to a whole day treat at the beauty parlor and the spa (facial, foot spa, manicure and pedicure, full body massage, the whole works!) on June 1! : D it's been four years of nonstop serving and giving to other people; i get my own life back at last, and am looking forward to my well-deserved self-treat!!! : D hurrayyyyy!!!
everything suddenly so new, with new doors opening even as old ones close, and my life is my own now, blooming and growing in ways that i deeply desire, on my own terms at last.
can anyone blame me for savoring these sublime joys to my self, for a while, before i share them with the world?
: ) God is good.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Mama
i keep talking about my father here in my blogs, but never about her. it's not because she's not important to me; it's more probably because my relationship with her is less difficult than my relationship with my Papa, more open and loving, more... settled.
it hasn't always been like that.
my earliest memory of her was when i was two, and she brought me to this huge empty white church. she was kneeling down and sobbing on one of the front pews, while i walked around exploring the tomblike structure in awe and fear, ... and when i glanced at her... in innocent bewilderment.
while growing up, she lavished us with her love, with lots of hugs and kisses, and lots of scolding and shouting and spanking, too. my Papa allowed only two expenses in our house -- food and books. so i remember her scrounging around for whatever coins and peso bills she could save up from her grocery shopping money to sneak around to buy us toys, clothes and the little treats children loved.
still, that didn't impress me. i thought that she was only being a mother, as a mother should be. she wore dowdy, matronish clothes made from cheap cloth and even sack cloth dyed in prettier colors, but she always wore makeup and she always smelled good. she read a lot of magazines and listened to lots of classical and gospel music. people -- especially people in need -- flocked to her for a listening ear, and usually, a doleout. my Papa kept criticizing her as being silly, foolish, a sucker for fair-weather goldigging "friends" and too hoity-toity (when she read and when she listened to her favorite music) for her own good.
it continually irritated my father that she could afford to get things done without lifting a finger, making other people do them instead, either through charm, force or manipulation, or all three. one time she got fed up with his verbal barrage, she cut him short with a retort: hoy, if your father taught you to earn a living by using your hands, my father taught me to earn a living by using my head!
we had a general merchandise store in a public market, and my mother tended the store while my father did the purchasing and out-of-town sales, so i always viewed my Papa as somebody exotic, strong and wise and enigmatically attractive, while she was just... our mom.
i hated her when i hit my teen years, though. i felt that she failed me as a mother. i was made to wear her hand-me-down matronish clothes and she treated me like a child, deliberately ignoring my growing womanhood and sensuality. i wasn't taught the womanly things-- taking care of my self, protecting my self, using my womanly powers well; whatever i learned, i learned from observing our maids, or from movies, or from reading, or from teachers i idolized... so it took a very long time for me to come into my own as a woman. i even strongly suspect now that when i got married, i was more like a child in a woman's body than a real woman in the truest sense of the world.
it is only now that i realize that she couldn't have mothered me well, then, as she was virtually not a woman too who has come into her own then.
i think she only came into her own in her forties, when she got fed up with her lousy marriage to my father, and upped and left one week before my 20th birthday.
it took a long while for her to find her way back again to us, her children, and for us, to understand and accept her for what she did, to know her again--this time as a person and as a woman in her own right and not just our mother and slave.
it is strange to realize that while we were growing up, when she gave us all she had, we loved her as a mother but never respected her as a person. it was only when she began taking her life back that we learned to respect her, and this time truly love her, as the person she is.
it is funny too, that while we were growing up, people were saying that im my father's daughter (because I look more like him) and my sister, my mother's (because she looks more like her); but now that we've grown up, my sister and i realize that she has more of our father's practical, pessimistic, controlling and forceful ways while i have more of our mother's naive, trusting, open, impulsive and unpredictable ways.
she is a survivor. she survived a bad marriage, impoverished conditions with our father, the challenge of building a new life in a new place twice over, stage 3 breast cancer (without chemo at that!) in 2000, a triple heart bypass in 2003, and now, thrice-weekly dialysis sessions. looking at her, people comment on how healthy and vibrant and sparkling and gorgeous she looks, more like our sister than our mother; they never know she has these diseases until somebody tells them.
her doctor shakes his head every time she visited him before for her kidney treatment. he's been urging her to undergo dialysis since early 2000 but she steadfastly refused. she'd lug this really huge medical book around with her, and show him the page which lists the 10 symptoms of kidney disease that require dialysis treatment. she kept pointing out to him that she only had 4 of the 10 symptoms, so no go.
one time she told her doctor about this Mayo Clinic experiment for those with kidney diseases, and she said she wanted to volunteer. her doctor dissuaded her from the idea, saying that the chances of getting healed from the treatment is one in a million.
characteristically, in her Scarlett O'Hara way, she declared, well... I could be THE one in a million!
: )
she did proceed to go to the Mayo Clinic on her own to volunteer, too; it was only when Mayo Clinic refused her that she finally agreed to submit to dialysis with her doctor.
still, she continues to love us all in her world, with such passion and fierceness sometimes she gets in our hair and we get into hers.
but i would rather have that, than not have her at all.
that's my Mama-- the one in a million!
and it's her birthday today. : )
i love you, 'Ma!
it hasn't always been like that.
my earliest memory of her was when i was two, and she brought me to this huge empty white church. she was kneeling down and sobbing on one of the front pews, while i walked around exploring the tomblike structure in awe and fear, ... and when i glanced at her... in innocent bewilderment.
while growing up, she lavished us with her love, with lots of hugs and kisses, and lots of scolding and shouting and spanking, too. my Papa allowed only two expenses in our house -- food and books. so i remember her scrounging around for whatever coins and peso bills she could save up from her grocery shopping money to sneak around to buy us toys, clothes and the little treats children loved.
still, that didn't impress me. i thought that she was only being a mother, as a mother should be. she wore dowdy, matronish clothes made from cheap cloth and even sack cloth dyed in prettier colors, but she always wore makeup and she always smelled good. she read a lot of magazines and listened to lots of classical and gospel music. people -- especially people in need -- flocked to her for a listening ear, and usually, a doleout. my Papa kept criticizing her as being silly, foolish, a sucker for fair-weather goldigging "friends" and too hoity-toity (when she read and when she listened to her favorite music) for her own good.
it continually irritated my father that she could afford to get things done without lifting a finger, making other people do them instead, either through charm, force or manipulation, or all three. one time she got fed up with his verbal barrage, she cut him short with a retort: hoy, if your father taught you to earn a living by using your hands, my father taught me to earn a living by using my head!
we had a general merchandise store in a public market, and my mother tended the store while my father did the purchasing and out-of-town sales, so i always viewed my Papa as somebody exotic, strong and wise and enigmatically attractive, while she was just... our mom.
i hated her when i hit my teen years, though. i felt that she failed me as a mother. i was made to wear her hand-me-down matronish clothes and she treated me like a child, deliberately ignoring my growing womanhood and sensuality. i wasn't taught the womanly things-- taking care of my self, protecting my self, using my womanly powers well; whatever i learned, i learned from observing our maids, or from movies, or from reading, or from teachers i idolized... so it took a very long time for me to come into my own as a woman. i even strongly suspect now that when i got married, i was more like a child in a woman's body than a real woman in the truest sense of the world.
it is only now that i realize that she couldn't have mothered me well, then, as she was virtually not a woman too who has come into her own then.
i think she only came into her own in her forties, when she got fed up with her lousy marriage to my father, and upped and left one week before my 20th birthday.
it took a long while for her to find her way back again to us, her children, and for us, to understand and accept her for what she did, to know her again--this time as a person and as a woman in her own right and not just our mother and slave.
it is strange to realize that while we were growing up, when she gave us all she had, we loved her as a mother but never respected her as a person. it was only when she began taking her life back that we learned to respect her, and this time truly love her, as the person she is.
it is funny too, that while we were growing up, people were saying that im my father's daughter (because I look more like him) and my sister, my mother's (because she looks more like her); but now that we've grown up, my sister and i realize that she has more of our father's practical, pessimistic, controlling and forceful ways while i have more of our mother's naive, trusting, open, impulsive and unpredictable ways.
she is a survivor. she survived a bad marriage, impoverished conditions with our father, the challenge of building a new life in a new place twice over, stage 3 breast cancer (without chemo at that!) in 2000, a triple heart bypass in 2003, and now, thrice-weekly dialysis sessions. looking at her, people comment on how healthy and vibrant and sparkling and gorgeous she looks, more like our sister than our mother; they never know she has these diseases until somebody tells them.
her doctor shakes his head every time she visited him before for her kidney treatment. he's been urging her to undergo dialysis since early 2000 but she steadfastly refused. she'd lug this really huge medical book around with her, and show him the page which lists the 10 symptoms of kidney disease that require dialysis treatment. she kept pointing out to him that she only had 4 of the 10 symptoms, so no go.
one time she told her doctor about this Mayo Clinic experiment for those with kidney diseases, and she said she wanted to volunteer. her doctor dissuaded her from the idea, saying that the chances of getting healed from the treatment is one in a million.
characteristically, in her Scarlett O'Hara way, she declared, well... I could be THE one in a million!
: )
she did proceed to go to the Mayo Clinic on her own to volunteer, too; it was only when Mayo Clinic refused her that she finally agreed to submit to dialysis with her doctor.
still, she continues to love us all in her world, with such passion and fierceness sometimes she gets in our hair and we get into hers.
but i would rather have that, than not have her at all.
that's my Mama-- the one in a million!
and it's her birthday today. : )
i love you, 'Ma!
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Contentment
i was driving around at mid-morning today, running my usual errands-- this time picking up the airline ticket for a talk i was going to deliver in Panglao Island, Bohol on sunday evening, and then bringing Paolo to his taekwondo lessons.
it was only a 15 to 20 minute drive, but i got so lost in my thoughts i felt like it took a whole lot longer after i snapped out of it. and as i snapped out of it, i remembered what i was thinking--. the quiet happiness and joy i am feeling these days from the love and cherishing of one fine man... (yes, it has finally happened!) : ), work to do and deadlines to meet, the children's school opening needs and their always fresh antics and questions that make my life so meaningful and rich... my plans for the next few months or so, and my goals and hopes and dreams for the longer future...
--and for a moment, i was able to mindfully step back from my self and my life, and i thought, my life now is exactly where and how i want it to be! perfectly imperfect, but on my own terms now.
and i looked up and said a little prayer of thanks, for all that has been, for all that is now, for all that will be.
God/Life/the Universe has been so good to me.
it was only a 15 to 20 minute drive, but i got so lost in my thoughts i felt like it took a whole lot longer after i snapped out of it. and as i snapped out of it, i remembered what i was thinking--. the quiet happiness and joy i am feeling these days from the love and cherishing of one fine man... (yes, it has finally happened!) : ), work to do and deadlines to meet, the children's school opening needs and their always fresh antics and questions that make my life so meaningful and rich... my plans for the next few months or so, and my goals and hopes and dreams for the longer future...
--and for a moment, i was able to mindfully step back from my self and my life, and i thought, my life now is exactly where and how i want it to be! perfectly imperfect, but on my own terms now.
and i looked up and said a little prayer of thanks, for all that has been, for all that is now, for all that will be.
God/Life/the Universe has been so good to me.
Moral Philosophy Lesson with Paolo
after all these years, i still never know when im going to be handed a pop quiz on Life.
last night, Paolo and Bea were still up watching Aladdin on Disney Channel, while i was already in bed falling off to sleep.
a little while later, Paolo nudged me and asked, "Mama, Aladdin is a hero but he's also a thief. is it okay to be a thief and be a hero too?"
groggily, i stalled for time as i searched my brain for some satisfying answer, "I don't know, palangga ("my loved one" in Ilonggo, our native language), what does Aladdin steal?"
"Aladdin steals food when he's hungry. "
"I see... well... stealing is still bad, honey, but how do you feel about Aladdin's stealing?"
"I feel sorry for him because he's hungry."
"Hmmm... makes you want to forgive him huh?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, i guess it depends on your reason for stealing too..."
Paolo thought about it for a while, then ran back to the TV.
i thought i handled that pretty well, and so i went back to sleep.
a few moments later, he ran back to the room and shook me, "Mama, Aladdin's problem is solved!"
"huh???... what... how come?"
"he can eat dozens of grapes and apples and oranges now!"
"how did he do that?"
"he found a rich girlfriend, Jasmine the princess!"
: S
last night, Paolo and Bea were still up watching Aladdin on Disney Channel, while i was already in bed falling off to sleep.
a little while later, Paolo nudged me and asked, "Mama, Aladdin is a hero but he's also a thief. is it okay to be a thief and be a hero too?"
groggily, i stalled for time as i searched my brain for some satisfying answer, "I don't know, palangga ("my loved one" in Ilonggo, our native language), what does Aladdin steal?"
"Aladdin steals food when he's hungry. "
"I see... well... stealing is still bad, honey, but how do you feel about Aladdin's stealing?"
"I feel sorry for him because he's hungry."
"Hmmm... makes you want to forgive him huh?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, i guess it depends on your reason for stealing too..."
Paolo thought about it for a while, then ran back to the TV.
i thought i handled that pretty well, and so i went back to sleep.
a few moments later, he ran back to the room and shook me, "Mama, Aladdin's problem is solved!"
"huh???... what... how come?"
"he can eat dozens of grapes and apples and oranges now!"
"how did he do that?"
"he found a rich girlfriend, Jasmine the princess!"
: S
Saturday, May 14, 2005
My Phone Phobia
i am soo silly and funny sometimes!
my uncle in new jersey sent me this Grandstream internet phone last march, for use in the butterfly business, so i could directly call customers in the US at the cheapest cost (2.4 cents a minute), when i needed to call them. i got it last march, too, just before i went off to boracay, but i hemmed and hawed about opening and installing it, telling my uncle i was yet too busy with all my trips and papa's hospitalization to sit down and muddle through the tech stuff to install it.
he told me there was no tech stuff to muddle through, because it's a plug-and-play unit. finally, i admitted to him my fear of phones and talking on phones-- how i feel lost when im talking with somebody on a phone, especially with a stranger, because there are no reference points for me, except the other person's voice and maybe tone of voice, unlike with chat and email, where i can at least see words and pictures, which are at least more "permanent"... ( i guess im more of a visual and literal person than an aural one, huh?)
thankfully, my uncle has been very understanding and patient, telling me he feels the same way about talking over the phone too that's why he encourages customer queries to be done via email if possible, and also gently reminded me that we can't help but get over our fears anyway, if we want the business to grow well (and im being trained as a one-woman call center!)... and then waiting for me silently for two more weeks, as i kept postponing and postponing the inevitable...
... until finally, i grabbed the inevitable today and did it.
*****
what a relief!!! it is indeed just plug-and-play, and now, i can't get enough of talking to family and friends abroad on this phone!!!
silly and funny me, indeed!
: D
my uncle in new jersey sent me this Grandstream internet phone last march, for use in the butterfly business, so i could directly call customers in the US at the cheapest cost (2.4 cents a minute), when i needed to call them. i got it last march, too, just before i went off to boracay, but i hemmed and hawed about opening and installing it, telling my uncle i was yet too busy with all my trips and papa's hospitalization to sit down and muddle through the tech stuff to install it.
he told me there was no tech stuff to muddle through, because it's a plug-and-play unit. finally, i admitted to him my fear of phones and talking on phones-- how i feel lost when im talking with somebody on a phone, especially with a stranger, because there are no reference points for me, except the other person's voice and maybe tone of voice, unlike with chat and email, where i can at least see words and pictures, which are at least more "permanent"... ( i guess im more of a visual and literal person than an aural one, huh?)
thankfully, my uncle has been very understanding and patient, telling me he feels the same way about talking over the phone too that's why he encourages customer queries to be done via email if possible, and also gently reminded me that we can't help but get over our fears anyway, if we want the business to grow well (and im being trained as a one-woman call center!)... and then waiting for me silently for two more weeks, as i kept postponing and postponing the inevitable...
... until finally, i grabbed the inevitable today and did it.
*****
what a relief!!! it is indeed just plug-and-play, and now, i can't get enough of talking to family and friends abroad on this phone!!!
silly and funny me, indeed!
: D
Friday, May 13, 2005
Underground
that's where i've been, these past 5 days-- going within, getting clear about what my heart and soul wanted...
and -- you wouldn't believe it! -- creating a new blog, but this time, incognito, just for my self and my own consumption, just to be able to truly and freely speak my mind and heart again as i am, without fear or anxiety about people i know and care about reading my blogs and mis-reading into it their own fears and anxieties with me, about me, for me...
i don't know what other people's motives for writing on their blogs are, but for me, aside from the instant catharsis and the intimate sharing with close family and friends, the more basic thing is really for meaning-making... trying to make sense of my experiences and my thoughts and feelings, for my own growth and self-knowledge. and usually, after i've written (processed) something down, i am wholer than ever, and i am able to move on.
but i have learned that people read other things into it and misunderstand... and sometimes, that's the loneliest and most painful place to be in: speaking so much, sharing so deeply, but being misunderstood... and worse, judged.
so at times like these, i keep quiet instead, and go underground.
and -- you wouldn't believe it! -- creating a new blog, but this time, incognito, just for my self and my own consumption, just to be able to truly and freely speak my mind and heart again as i am, without fear or anxiety about people i know and care about reading my blogs and mis-reading into it their own fears and anxieties with me, about me, for me...
i don't know what other people's motives for writing on their blogs are, but for me, aside from the instant catharsis and the intimate sharing with close family and friends, the more basic thing is really for meaning-making... trying to make sense of my experiences and my thoughts and feelings, for my own growth and self-knowledge. and usually, after i've written (processed) something down, i am wholer than ever, and i am able to move on.
but i have learned that people read other things into it and misunderstand... and sometimes, that's the loneliest and most painful place to be in: speaking so much, sharing so deeply, but being misunderstood... and worse, judged.
so at times like these, i keep quiet instead, and go underground.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
redirecting...
when nothing much is happening in my outer life, it usually means a lot is going on in my inner life (< click there) though...
what's it called? -- "furniture being re-arranged" while the lights are off. : )
what's it called? -- "furniture being re-arranged" while the lights are off. : )
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Conspiracy of Grace Theory
last tuesday, while waiting for Bea's doctor to call us into her office, i absentmindedly picked up a magazine lying by my side, and i opened to the first page, which had "Conspiracy of Grace Theory" as its title, with the author saying how we do get what we want in life, with the universe conspiring to bring us what we desire once we know what it is we do desire.
how is this done? primarily through opening our selves up to the possibility of what we want actually being in our lives.
as it was a religious magazine, he used the ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you bible exhortation as discussion points for illustrating what they mean in practical terms. in brief, he basically said that:
1. ask and you shall receive - courageously express your need, your desire; announce it to the world!
2. seek and you shall find - research/study/ prepare for what you desire, immerse your self in it so much that your spiritual and mental and even emotional consciousness actually already lives with what you desire, that even you your self grow READY to receive it, even before it materially manifests itself;
3. knock and the door shall be opened - when people/circumstances actually materialize into your life to help you bring about what you desire, tell the people so, reach out for the opportunity, knock so that the door will be opened!
*****
i believe i'm in Step Two of the house renovation dream and desire now. : )
last time, in my other blog, i shared about looking at bedroom furnitures and comparing prices and estimating budgets. yesterday, i bought a local home design magazine, as i educate my self and immerse my self further now in the materializing of my dream.
i have long browsed through architectural and design magazines at bookshops but never found one interesting enough to buy. i have long mused about my dream home, too, but always in secret, just a passive, hazy kind of wishing...
anyway, i thought that these magazines didn't fit my needs and my concerns-- about building my dream home on a budget and with a limited land area, as well as a home that reflected my and my kids' basic character and personalities, and my passion for living as close to Nature as one can. then, too, most magazines i saw reflected posh foreign designs which obviously required a really generous no-budget lifestyle; i wanted something closer to home, something real people can use.
and what do you know? this magazine i found yesterday even had the title, "Real Living"!
what amazed me about the magazine was it had articles that answered all my basic, but as yet unspoken, questions about where and how to start with building my dream home; just look at the titles:
1. 29 Stunning Homes -- Modern Style on a Budget
2. Make It Fit -- Modern Shelves for a 10m Bedroom
3. Kids' Rooms -- Fun, Playful Spaces
4. How to Make Your Home Eco-Friendly
i can't stop being awed until now about this serendipity.
just when ive become more clear and courageous about my desire and announced it to the world, things start falling into place, with the first thing that of my being led to a resource which would help me educate my self on my dream, and which is actually leading me on to Step Two of this mysterious universal principle!!!
if this isn't Grace manifesting itself right now, i don't know what it is then!
*****
i see now the wisdom of going through Step Two-- when you immerse your self in your Dream, you become more open to it because all of your consciousness is engaged and involved in your Dream's being a part of you, until you reach a point that you don't even think of questioning your Dream anymore.
Step One, just asking for it, is good, but being the "rational" humans that we are, we tend to fall into patterns of self-doubt and Dream-doubt when we don't see our Dream materializing soon enough.
Step Two thus leads us further.
and from experience, i know that Step Three is merely the re-statement of Step One, except that in this stage, the conditions/people are there already for you to help materialize it. all you have to do is knock.
*****
i think the author of that article forgot one other thing, though. aside from being open to receiving the universe's bounty, one must also adopt an attitude of gratitude.
Mama Gena explained it well: thanking God/the Universe/Life for what you already have in your life is like chewing and then swallowing food, so you can digest it well, which opens you up for more food coming. not appreciating the good you already have in your life sets you up for spiritual and material indigestion-- how can you have more when you haven't digested what you have yet?
Ralph Marston also talked about it in a friend's blog: "Whatever you have is not really yours unless you are truly thankful for it."
*****
so for this recent serendipitous happening in my life, for all that has been, and for all that i know will be-- THANK YOU, GOD!!!
p.s. i have a mind to change the name of this blog site -- from "Life Happens", to "Life Quickens". heeheehee...
how is this done? primarily through opening our selves up to the possibility of what we want actually being in our lives.
as it was a religious magazine, he used the ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you bible exhortation as discussion points for illustrating what they mean in practical terms. in brief, he basically said that:
1. ask and you shall receive - courageously express your need, your desire; announce it to the world!
2. seek and you shall find - research/study/ prepare for what you desire, immerse your self in it so much that your spiritual and mental and even emotional consciousness actually already lives with what you desire, that even you your self grow READY to receive it, even before it materially manifests itself;
3. knock and the door shall be opened - when people/circumstances actually materialize into your life to help you bring about what you desire, tell the people so, reach out for the opportunity, knock so that the door will be opened!
*****
i believe i'm in Step Two of the house renovation dream and desire now. : )
last time, in my other blog, i shared about looking at bedroom furnitures and comparing prices and estimating budgets. yesterday, i bought a local home design magazine, as i educate my self and immerse my self further now in the materializing of my dream.
i have long browsed through architectural and design magazines at bookshops but never found one interesting enough to buy. i have long mused about my dream home, too, but always in secret, just a passive, hazy kind of wishing...
anyway, i thought that these magazines didn't fit my needs and my concerns-- about building my dream home on a budget and with a limited land area, as well as a home that reflected my and my kids' basic character and personalities, and my passion for living as close to Nature as one can. then, too, most magazines i saw reflected posh foreign designs which obviously required a really generous no-budget lifestyle; i wanted something closer to home, something real people can use.
and what do you know? this magazine i found yesterday even had the title, "Real Living"!
what amazed me about the magazine was it had articles that answered all my basic, but as yet unspoken, questions about where and how to start with building my dream home; just look at the titles:
1. 29 Stunning Homes -- Modern Style on a Budget
2. Make It Fit -- Modern Shelves for a 10m Bedroom
3. Kids' Rooms -- Fun, Playful Spaces
4. How to Make Your Home Eco-Friendly
i can't stop being awed until now about this serendipity.
just when ive become more clear and courageous about my desire and announced it to the world, things start falling into place, with the first thing that of my being led to a resource which would help me educate my self on my dream, and which is actually leading me on to Step Two of this mysterious universal principle!!!
if this isn't Grace manifesting itself right now, i don't know what it is then!
*****
i see now the wisdom of going through Step Two-- when you immerse your self in your Dream, you become more open to it because all of your consciousness is engaged and involved in your Dream's being a part of you, until you reach a point that you don't even think of questioning your Dream anymore.
Step One, just asking for it, is good, but being the "rational" humans that we are, we tend to fall into patterns of self-doubt and Dream-doubt when we don't see our Dream materializing soon enough.
Step Two thus leads us further.
and from experience, i know that Step Three is merely the re-statement of Step One, except that in this stage, the conditions/people are there already for you to help materialize it. all you have to do is knock.
*****
i think the author of that article forgot one other thing, though. aside from being open to receiving the universe's bounty, one must also adopt an attitude of gratitude.
Mama Gena explained it well: thanking God/the Universe/Life for what you already have in your life is like chewing and then swallowing food, so you can digest it well, which opens you up for more food coming. not appreciating the good you already have in your life sets you up for spiritual and material indigestion-- how can you have more when you haven't digested what you have yet?
Ralph Marston also talked about it in a friend's blog: "Whatever you have is not really yours unless you are truly thankful for it."
*****
so for this recent serendipitous happening in my life, for all that has been, and for all that i know will be-- THANK YOU, GOD!!!
p.s. i have a mind to change the name of this blog site -- from "Life Happens", to "Life Quickens". heeheehee...
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Camiguin Tour Snapshots (April 5-9)
Grinning happily against rows and rows of sweet pineapples (Dole Pineapple plantation, Malaybalay, Bukidnon, Mindanao)
Boracay Memories (March 31-April 3)
on the motorboat ride from Caticlan to Boracay Island... can't wait... here we come!!! (see the barely contained glee on their faces heheh...)
our first dinner out at one of Boracay's seafood restaurants. it was our most expensive dinner ever (at more than a thousand pesos) but what the heck-- this was a celebration for us! we've finally come this far to afford it, at least, and at Boracay at that! (the plates are still empty except for Bea's usual pasta; the lobsters hadn't come yet) : >
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Me, Lately
Bea and I, March 15, 2005, at Nature's Village Resort, The School for Creative Beginners' "Moving Up" Day
Beatrice
Bea, the last time i asked her 2 hours ago, she said she wants to be a ballet dancer and to open a beauty salon so she can make people beautiful
Thanksgiving
tomorrow, we all troop to Papa's house to have a celebration lunch together as a family, and in thanksgiving for Papa's remarkable recovery, in so short a time.
two weeks ago, we all trooped to Manila with and for Papa, for what we thought would be a heart bypass operation he didn't look well enough to undergo. after 8 months and 12 ICU visits here, Papa was weakening, in both body and spirit, and the heart bypass operation was deemed as a last resort, do-or-die option. actually, the unspoken thought in everybody's mind was probably the fact that it could be more do-and-die, but at least, we'd all be there for Papa and see him alive and watch him go, together.
now, Papa is not only off his oxygen tank, but has already started walking around on his own, and back to his usual talkative self. the asthma and the edematous legs and toes are gone, and the diabetes is back to a manageable level.
in the last family prayer i led for Papa before his second and last operation last April 25, i added another prayer to our original plea for a safe and successful operation and recovery for him: that he be given a new lease on life so that he may fully heal in all ways, and finally find the peace and joy that has eluded him all his life, before he finally goes, for good, much later.
strangely, the healing has not only been for him, but for us who were there with him and for him. being suddenly thrown together after so many years of just living our own lives by our selves, and being thrown together in an environment where the only concern was to make Papa as comfortable as possible and what to order for delivery for our next family meal in the hospital room, forcibly removed from our usual cares and responsibilities in our daily lives in Bacolod--contributed to making it natural for us to finally talk to each other, and to listen, and to be vulnerable and open to each other once again, even despite initial spats and skirmishes of who does what and who stays in the room with Papa while the rest go out and attend to some personal errands.
many personal and family crises in the past drove us apart from each other, but strangely, this biggest crisis of all-- the threat of the possible impending death of a patriarch whom we shared a love-hate relationship with in the past -- has drawn us all back together again in the folds of a father's difficult kind of loving, but loving still, none the less.
God has been so good to give Papa, and us all, this new lease on life!
two weeks ago, we all trooped to Manila with and for Papa, for what we thought would be a heart bypass operation he didn't look well enough to undergo. after 8 months and 12 ICU visits here, Papa was weakening, in both body and spirit, and the heart bypass operation was deemed as a last resort, do-or-die option. actually, the unspoken thought in everybody's mind was probably the fact that it could be more do-and-die, but at least, we'd all be there for Papa and see him alive and watch him go, together.
now, Papa is not only off his oxygen tank, but has already started walking around on his own, and back to his usual talkative self. the asthma and the edematous legs and toes are gone, and the diabetes is back to a manageable level.
in the last family prayer i led for Papa before his second and last operation last April 25, i added another prayer to our original plea for a safe and successful operation and recovery for him: that he be given a new lease on life so that he may fully heal in all ways, and finally find the peace and joy that has eluded him all his life, before he finally goes, for good, much later.
strangely, the healing has not only been for him, but for us who were there with him and for him. being suddenly thrown together after so many years of just living our own lives by our selves, and being thrown together in an environment where the only concern was to make Papa as comfortable as possible and what to order for delivery for our next family meal in the hospital room, forcibly removed from our usual cares and responsibilities in our daily lives in Bacolod--contributed to making it natural for us to finally talk to each other, and to listen, and to be vulnerable and open to each other once again, even despite initial spats and skirmishes of who does what and who stays in the room with Papa while the rest go out and attend to some personal errands.
many personal and family crises in the past drove us apart from each other, but strangely, this biggest crisis of all-- the threat of the possible impending death of a patriarch whom we shared a love-hate relationship with in the past -- has drawn us all back together again in the folds of a father's difficult kind of loving, but loving still, none the less.
God has been so good to give Papa, and us all, this new lease on life!
Thursday, April 28, 2005
202 Emails! : O
the last time i checked my emails was at a net cafe last sunday, near the hospital, the day before Papa's second and -- hopefully -- final heart operation. i arrived home today to find my inbox has grown another 202 emails in just four days! que horror!
well, at least, 150 of them are butterfly business-based, so they didn't require replying to as much as they required monitoring. the rest were my usual subscription newsletter emails and a few personal emails from family and friends.
still i can't help thinking that my wishful thinking while in the ship on the way home-- to spend a day or two leisurely settling in to my life here again before plunging into it full force-- will remain just that, wishful thinking.
the ship was supposed to dock at the Bacolod port by 1 p.m., but we were delayed by another two hours because of engine trouble. Thea and Bea, who were at the port with Paolo and Papa's second wife-- who fetched us (my two kid stepsisters and i) in the family car--decided to go home to wait for me instead because of the intense heat at the port. Papa's second wife told me how paolo valiantly and adamantly held on, telling her he wanted to greet me at the port itself, no matter how uncomfortable it was and no matter how long it took.
Even if it takes tomorrow, I'll wait for my Mama, that's what she told me little Paolo said. : )
when we arrived, Paolo hugged me so tight it brought tears to all our eyes. in the car, he sat on my lap and continued to embrace me all throughout, telling me how God answered his prayers, because he prayed that i'd come on the 28th, a day before his 7th birthday. : )
we got home at around 3:30p.m., but what i thought would be a slow easing in to my old life did not come to pass. after the kids opened their homecoming presents from me and settled in to playing with their new toys and art materials, i thought to check and warm up the car, which hasn't been touched in two weeks.
to my dismay, i found the oil at a dangerously low level, and remembered that the gas might be running low too. but i was down to my last 200 pesos too, and so i had to drive out to check the ATM if my butterfly biz commission and my university salary had come in.
thankfully both were there, and so i withdrew the maximum amount for the day and proceeded to the gas station to have the car refueled full tank and the oil refilled full tank too. then, remembering that the maid told me how the kids have been going without their usual favorite snack foods the past two weeks as the ex only brought in the basic groceries and meal items, i thought to do some quick grocery shopping at the nearest mall.
little Bea went with me. i was also concerned when the maid and Thea told me how she fell off our bed the day before, head first on to the floor, and how she vomitted afterwards. she's okay now but i told her we're going to the doctor first thing tomorrow. i'm also concerned to see her sniffling and coughing, and how her fine brownish silken hair had grown much too long and unkempt. so when we got to the mall, i took her to our favorite beauty parlor to have her hair and nails trimmed, which brought a big grin to her face. i also brought her the usual pediatric meds for her runny nose and cough, and her favorite pizza and ice cream cone, after which she dutifully assisted me in my shopping for their snack items and out-of-stock toiletries at home. next i bought a special chicken and pasta dinner, and some ice cream, for us, as a sort of homecoming celebration and a pre-birthday party for Paolo tonight.
i still have to unpack but the pc and the net calls me, especially after i got text messages from my uncle in New Jersey and my mom in Georgia, to go check my emails ASAP for a series of rush orders i had to facilitate with our supplier here.
and that's when i found my 202 emails.
now, even as i go through my emails one by one to clean up my inboxes, i look up and see bills pouring out of the wall bills envelope. i make a mental note to my self to do that later tonight, preparing my payments so i can pay them tomorrow, even as i also go to some other offices tomorrow to process papers for updating our mortgage, taking out a new cellphone so i can finally give my present one to Thea, and even go to some offices at the university to submit some papers and meet with some people on really urgent matters-- even while im still officially on vacation leave!!! i remind my self too, to enrol the kids for the next schoolyear, and to take them to the dentist for our annual free prophylaxis, before my current schoolyear's health care privileges expire. and how about my phd long-overdue papers which i have to submit in a week, before we meet with our professor?
phew. it's back to multi-tasking mode again.
*****
life presses on, despite my wish for a more leisurely kind of settling in. i have been gone for two weeks and so much has happened to me and in me outside my usual life here.
i feel disoriented.
well, i always do after coming home from travelling, especially if the things i've done while away are not the usual things i do in my regular life here. but this has been the longest time i've been away from the kids -- aside from my 3-week trip to Hungary and Romania in 2001, but i was still with their father then, and not with their father now-- so the feeling of disorientation is graver, i guess.
i am still me, and yet not me anymore, and also more me.
one of these days, when i get a sense of where i really am again, perhaps, i will write about it here. along with that promised blog on the various trips i've taken lately.
till then, my heart.
well, at least, 150 of them are butterfly business-based, so they didn't require replying to as much as they required monitoring. the rest were my usual subscription newsletter emails and a few personal emails from family and friends.
still i can't help thinking that my wishful thinking while in the ship on the way home-- to spend a day or two leisurely settling in to my life here again before plunging into it full force-- will remain just that, wishful thinking.
the ship was supposed to dock at the Bacolod port by 1 p.m., but we were delayed by another two hours because of engine trouble. Thea and Bea, who were at the port with Paolo and Papa's second wife-- who fetched us (my two kid stepsisters and i) in the family car--decided to go home to wait for me instead because of the intense heat at the port. Papa's second wife told me how paolo valiantly and adamantly held on, telling her he wanted to greet me at the port itself, no matter how uncomfortable it was and no matter how long it took.
Even if it takes tomorrow, I'll wait for my Mama, that's what she told me little Paolo said. : )
when we arrived, Paolo hugged me so tight it brought tears to all our eyes. in the car, he sat on my lap and continued to embrace me all throughout, telling me how God answered his prayers, because he prayed that i'd come on the 28th, a day before his 7th birthday. : )
we got home at around 3:30p.m., but what i thought would be a slow easing in to my old life did not come to pass. after the kids opened their homecoming presents from me and settled in to playing with their new toys and art materials, i thought to check and warm up the car, which hasn't been touched in two weeks.
to my dismay, i found the oil at a dangerously low level, and remembered that the gas might be running low too. but i was down to my last 200 pesos too, and so i had to drive out to check the ATM if my butterfly biz commission and my university salary had come in.
thankfully both were there, and so i withdrew the maximum amount for the day and proceeded to the gas station to have the car refueled full tank and the oil refilled full tank too. then, remembering that the maid told me how the kids have been going without their usual favorite snack foods the past two weeks as the ex only brought in the basic groceries and meal items, i thought to do some quick grocery shopping at the nearest mall.
little Bea went with me. i was also concerned when the maid and Thea told me how she fell off our bed the day before, head first on to the floor, and how she vomitted afterwards. she's okay now but i told her we're going to the doctor first thing tomorrow. i'm also concerned to see her sniffling and coughing, and how her fine brownish silken hair had grown much too long and unkempt. so when we got to the mall, i took her to our favorite beauty parlor to have her hair and nails trimmed, which brought a big grin to her face. i also brought her the usual pediatric meds for her runny nose and cough, and her favorite pizza and ice cream cone, after which she dutifully assisted me in my shopping for their snack items and out-of-stock toiletries at home. next i bought a special chicken and pasta dinner, and some ice cream, for us, as a sort of homecoming celebration and a pre-birthday party for Paolo tonight.
i still have to unpack but the pc and the net calls me, especially after i got text messages from my uncle in New Jersey and my mom in Georgia, to go check my emails ASAP for a series of rush orders i had to facilitate with our supplier here.
and that's when i found my 202 emails.
now, even as i go through my emails one by one to clean up my inboxes, i look up and see bills pouring out of the wall bills envelope. i make a mental note to my self to do that later tonight, preparing my payments so i can pay them tomorrow, even as i also go to some other offices tomorrow to process papers for updating our mortgage, taking out a new cellphone so i can finally give my present one to Thea, and even go to some offices at the university to submit some papers and meet with some people on really urgent matters-- even while im still officially on vacation leave!!! i remind my self too, to enrol the kids for the next schoolyear, and to take them to the dentist for our annual free prophylaxis, before my current schoolyear's health care privileges expire. and how about my phd long-overdue papers which i have to submit in a week, before we meet with our professor?
phew. it's back to multi-tasking mode again.
*****
life presses on, despite my wish for a more leisurely kind of settling in. i have been gone for two weeks and so much has happened to me and in me outside my usual life here.
i feel disoriented.
well, i always do after coming home from travelling, especially if the things i've done while away are not the usual things i do in my regular life here. but this has been the longest time i've been away from the kids -- aside from my 3-week trip to Hungary and Romania in 2001, but i was still with their father then, and not with their father now-- so the feeling of disorientation is graver, i guess.
i am still me, and yet not me anymore, and also more me.
one of these days, when i get a sense of where i really am again, perhaps, i will write about it here. along with that promised blog on the various trips i've taken lately.
till then, my heart.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Papa's Heart
it's been 8 days since Papa checked in here at the Chinese General Hospital in Manila, and 7 days since i arrived here (he took the plane with our doctor sister-in-law, we took a ship).
he was originally scheduled to have his heart bypass operation last april 16, but he looked so weak and wan when he arrived that his doctors decided against it and ordered him for another angiogram instead on the 16th.
we spent the whole of the 17th waiting for his angiogram results. by evening, one of his four doctors came in to discuss it with us. we learned that although his heart is still medically viable for a heart bypass, there are just too many blockages in his veins and arteries (5 major ones counted, another 5 minor ones seen from the angiogram pictures...), coupled with his failing kidneys because of his diabetes, and vulnerable lungs because of his 40plus years of chain-smoking, to render a heart bypass quite a very risky procedure.
Papa and us were basically scared too, with the idea of opening his chest up and sawing through his rib cage to get to his heart, and opening one of his thighs to get the good blood vessels from there to graft into his weak heart blood vessels... so in a way, the news was a relief to us, even as it temporarily closed a door for him.
good thing there is an option, and it's an advanced kind of angioplasty, where the doctors just do a minor incision in his groin area, insert a catheter to balloon his blood vessels AND then insert a "stent" -- a springlike meshwire tube (his model involves an advanced version of having drugs released into his system to keep his vessels strong) -- to keep his blood vessels opened up for easier blood flow, "for life" (as the doctors said).
it's a more expensive option, though, at 125 thousand pesos per stent. multiplied by 4-5 stents for his major blockages, that would amount to half a million pesos, excluding his other hospital and doctors' bills.
it's another good thing that Papa prepared well for this rainy day. we used to think he was very miserly with us, providing us only with the basics, and training us to work for what we wanted, but his lifetime of thrift has at least released us, his family, from having to additionally worry about his medical expenses, as he's paying for it all, even including our plane and ship tickets and stay here in Manila. it's funny that Papa is the one who should be needing us, yet, up to now, he is still the one taking care of us in very basic ways. a living model of a self-made and self-reliant man, that's what Papa is.
anyway, we decided on the latest coronary stent implantation procedure. he had his first two stents implanted yesterday, april 19, with the next 2-3 stents on monday, april 25. his doctors advise against implanting everything at once, as they want to see how his body will take it. the doctor for his kidneys advised against two successive stents, too, one after another, because the dye used during the procedure might overload his kidneys. so after more discussion and further consultation for auspicious feng shui dates, april 25 was set.
before Papa's procedure early in the morning yesterday, i gathered the family together and asked for a small prayer for papa. we, who have never been public "prayors", especially with each other, now prayed from the heart, all focusing our thoughts and energies and love for Papa's safe and successful operation and recovery.
and you know what, our very specific prayer was answered. even the doctors were amazed at how easy it was for them to conduct the procedure, which was over in 45 minutes. Papa looked well and more upbeat, too. he even went off from his oxygen mask, for the first time in months. so everyone felt optimistic that the next operation would be as safe and successful.
*****
this time with Papa has been a blessing in disguise for me too.
it has afforded me time to be with him and to take care of him, and for him to get to know me all over again, as the adult woman i am now, who has her own mind and spirit and who knows her heart and speaks her truth.
among us three siblings, while growing up, i was the wallflower: mousy, quiet, seemingly passive and submissive, rarely speaking up-- even if just to make small talk and socialize among family and friends. although i was the eldest, my younger sister overpowered me with her arresting beauty and bubbly personality and my younger brother overpowered me with his commanding presence and loquaciousness.
but strangely, in this time of crisis for our family, my father and i are finding out my own strengths and special gifts.
although we are many here around him-- our childhood nanny who's also become Papa's nurse at home when he started getting sick, my cousin whom Papa sent to school and who eventually chose to live with our family even after he finished school, our aunt and Papa's only sister, his two girl children from his second wife, my younger sister, my younger brother and his doctor-wife, and i-- when night comes and everybody is tired and fully asleep, it has fallen upon me to wake up for Papa when he needs someone to take care of him in the middle of the night.
i'm the one who wakes up and takes care of Papa for his coughs and little pains and necessary bodily excretions-- because im the only light sleeper among all, and because i seem to have the requisite gentleness and calmness and good cheer and patience (so my years of solo parenting my very young kids, even during a lonely marriage, has trained me well!) to attend to a cranky old man and soothe him, in the unholiest of hours.
in these special dark hours, while attending to Papa's needs and humoring his complaints, we start talking-- or rather, he starts talking and i listen.
in these special dark hours, when everybody is asleep and one who is awake feels so alone, Papa starts telling me about his past, about his hurts and pains, and about his fears for the future... and i start telling him of mine (more of hopes and dreams, not too many fears now) too.
in these special dark hours, when one suddenly wakes up from nightmarish visions, i give Papa his little sips of water and i start massaging his swollen and aching legs and feet, until he relaxes and the swelling disappears and he falls asleep again. (he has grown to look forward to my foot massages he now can't fall asleep without them! : > )
in these special dark hours when it is just Papa and i, alone together against a sleeping world, i am finding my own worth as a daughter and as a person in his eyes, and i sense he is discovering in me the treasures of my quiet strength and inner serenity and calm optimism, which he has rarely noticed in the usually competitively boisterous business-centered day world we live and have mostly seen each other in.
in these special dark hours that Papa and i have been spending together, i am finding my way to Papa's heart at last.
he was originally scheduled to have his heart bypass operation last april 16, but he looked so weak and wan when he arrived that his doctors decided against it and ordered him for another angiogram instead on the 16th.
we spent the whole of the 17th waiting for his angiogram results. by evening, one of his four doctors came in to discuss it with us. we learned that although his heart is still medically viable for a heart bypass, there are just too many blockages in his veins and arteries (5 major ones counted, another 5 minor ones seen from the angiogram pictures...), coupled with his failing kidneys because of his diabetes, and vulnerable lungs because of his 40plus years of chain-smoking, to render a heart bypass quite a very risky procedure.
Papa and us were basically scared too, with the idea of opening his chest up and sawing through his rib cage to get to his heart, and opening one of his thighs to get the good blood vessels from there to graft into his weak heart blood vessels... so in a way, the news was a relief to us, even as it temporarily closed a door for him.
good thing there is an option, and it's an advanced kind of angioplasty, where the doctors just do a minor incision in his groin area, insert a catheter to balloon his blood vessels AND then insert a "stent" -- a springlike meshwire tube (his model involves an advanced version of having drugs released into his system to keep his vessels strong) -- to keep his blood vessels opened up for easier blood flow, "for life" (as the doctors said).
it's a more expensive option, though, at 125 thousand pesos per stent. multiplied by 4-5 stents for his major blockages, that would amount to half a million pesos, excluding his other hospital and doctors' bills.
it's another good thing that Papa prepared well for this rainy day. we used to think he was very miserly with us, providing us only with the basics, and training us to work for what we wanted, but his lifetime of thrift has at least released us, his family, from having to additionally worry about his medical expenses, as he's paying for it all, even including our plane and ship tickets and stay here in Manila. it's funny that Papa is the one who should be needing us, yet, up to now, he is still the one taking care of us in very basic ways. a living model of a self-made and self-reliant man, that's what Papa is.
anyway, we decided on the latest coronary stent implantation procedure. he had his first two stents implanted yesterday, april 19, with the next 2-3 stents on monday, april 25. his doctors advise against implanting everything at once, as they want to see how his body will take it. the doctor for his kidneys advised against two successive stents, too, one after another, because the dye used during the procedure might overload his kidneys. so after more discussion and further consultation for auspicious feng shui dates, april 25 was set.
before Papa's procedure early in the morning yesterday, i gathered the family together and asked for a small prayer for papa. we, who have never been public "prayors", especially with each other, now prayed from the heart, all focusing our thoughts and energies and love for Papa's safe and successful operation and recovery.
and you know what, our very specific prayer was answered. even the doctors were amazed at how easy it was for them to conduct the procedure, which was over in 45 minutes. Papa looked well and more upbeat, too. he even went off from his oxygen mask, for the first time in months. so everyone felt optimistic that the next operation would be as safe and successful.
*****
this time with Papa has been a blessing in disguise for me too.
it has afforded me time to be with him and to take care of him, and for him to get to know me all over again, as the adult woman i am now, who has her own mind and spirit and who knows her heart and speaks her truth.
among us three siblings, while growing up, i was the wallflower: mousy, quiet, seemingly passive and submissive, rarely speaking up-- even if just to make small talk and socialize among family and friends. although i was the eldest, my younger sister overpowered me with her arresting beauty and bubbly personality and my younger brother overpowered me with his commanding presence and loquaciousness.
but strangely, in this time of crisis for our family, my father and i are finding out my own strengths and special gifts.
although we are many here around him-- our childhood nanny who's also become Papa's nurse at home when he started getting sick, my cousin whom Papa sent to school and who eventually chose to live with our family even after he finished school, our aunt and Papa's only sister, his two girl children from his second wife, my younger sister, my younger brother and his doctor-wife, and i-- when night comes and everybody is tired and fully asleep, it has fallen upon me to wake up for Papa when he needs someone to take care of him in the middle of the night.
i'm the one who wakes up and takes care of Papa for his coughs and little pains and necessary bodily excretions-- because im the only light sleeper among all, and because i seem to have the requisite gentleness and calmness and good cheer and patience (so my years of solo parenting my very young kids, even during a lonely marriage, has trained me well!) to attend to a cranky old man and soothe him, in the unholiest of hours.
in these special dark hours, while attending to Papa's needs and humoring his complaints, we start talking-- or rather, he starts talking and i listen.
in these special dark hours, when everybody is asleep and one who is awake feels so alone, Papa starts telling me about his past, about his hurts and pains, and about his fears for the future... and i start telling him of mine (more of hopes and dreams, not too many fears now) too.
in these special dark hours, when one suddenly wakes up from nightmarish visions, i give Papa his little sips of water and i start massaging his swollen and aching legs and feet, until he relaxes and the swelling disappears and he falls asleep again. (he has grown to look forward to my foot massages he now can't fall asleep without them! : > )
in these special dark hours when it is just Papa and i, alone together against a sleeping world, i am finding my own worth as a daughter and as a person in his eyes, and i sense he is discovering in me the treasures of my quiet strength and inner serenity and calm optimism, which he has rarely noticed in the usually competitively boisterous business-centered day world we live and have mostly seen each other in.
in these special dark hours that Papa and i have been spending together, i am finding my way to Papa's heart at last.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Today, I Leave
today, i leave for manila with my sister, our two kid stepsisters, and our longtime nanny, to be with papa for his heart bypass operation on saturday at the philippine chinese general hospital. our brother will be meeting us there, as well as our manila-based cousins and uncles and aunts.
i don't know when i'll be back. if all goes well, i'll be back pronto, for sure.
we need all your prayers and well-wishes for my papa. thank you very much.
i do believe in the power of concentrated and positive thought directed at a single desired outcome, whatever you call it -- prayer, wish, visualization.
i hope to be back pronto.
i don't know when i'll be back. if all goes well, i'll be back pronto, for sure.
we need all your prayers and well-wishes for my papa. thank you very much.
i do believe in the power of concentrated and positive thought directed at a single desired outcome, whatever you call it -- prayer, wish, visualization.
i hope to be back pronto.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Papa, Again
*****
i try not to think about it too much, but the days are approaching.
papa is scheduled for his heart bypass operation this saturday, the 16th, and my sister, Honey, and our two kid stepsisters, and our long-time nanny, will be going with me by boat to manila on the 14th.
it would just be a simple heart bypass operation, with the chances of success quite high, i know. but papa has been in and out of the ICU for almost 9-10 times in the past nine months, with his trips to the hospital getting to be more frequent lately, due to complications caused by his diabetes. his lungs can barely be seen in the x-rays too, having been eroded by around 50 years of chain-smoking...
what causes me dread, though, is his general demeanor every time i see him. he seems to have gotten older and frailer and weaker and more despondent every time. add to that the fact that his falling out with his mistress-- the mother of our two kid stepsisters -- is not doing him any good emotionally.
maybe, it is just his mistress' way of coping with the situation -- prettying her self up ( i do that, too) -- but family talks behind her back, saying she has another man. one time, we did talk, while we were at the hospital. she cried when she told me how difficult it is living with a man like my father who was so controlling and pessimistic and quite verbally abusive... i understood her pain and told her so. and despite the pain she has also caused our family, i feel sorry for her. i actually choose to believe her, rather than all the evil things family says she's been up to, like only wanting our father for his money and leaving him now that she sees she won't be getting much from him at all (our only brother helped papa settle his papers and his will some months ago and everybody has an idea of where things are at)...
what am i doing, rambling on like this, shaking up the skeletons in the closet?
i am just sooo scared i guess.
nobody talks about it, but the common decision for us children to come together and be with him for his heart bypass operation is our silent way of acknowledging the fear and the possibility that this might be the last time we see him alive, and that at least, he has all of us his children around him when he goes.
still, i am so scared.
papa is only 66.
i try not to think about it too much, but the days are approaching.
papa is scheduled for his heart bypass operation this saturday, the 16th, and my sister, Honey, and our two kid stepsisters, and our long-time nanny, will be going with me by boat to manila on the 14th.
it would just be a simple heart bypass operation, with the chances of success quite high, i know. but papa has been in and out of the ICU for almost 9-10 times in the past nine months, with his trips to the hospital getting to be more frequent lately, due to complications caused by his diabetes. his lungs can barely be seen in the x-rays too, having been eroded by around 50 years of chain-smoking...
what causes me dread, though, is his general demeanor every time i see him. he seems to have gotten older and frailer and weaker and more despondent every time. add to that the fact that his falling out with his mistress-- the mother of our two kid stepsisters -- is not doing him any good emotionally.
maybe, it is just his mistress' way of coping with the situation -- prettying her self up ( i do that, too) -- but family talks behind her back, saying she has another man. one time, we did talk, while we were at the hospital. she cried when she told me how difficult it is living with a man like my father who was so controlling and pessimistic and quite verbally abusive... i understood her pain and told her so. and despite the pain she has also caused our family, i feel sorry for her. i actually choose to believe her, rather than all the evil things family says she's been up to, like only wanting our father for his money and leaving him now that she sees she won't be getting much from him at all (our only brother helped papa settle his papers and his will some months ago and everybody has an idea of where things are at)...
what am i doing, rambling on like this, shaking up the skeletons in the closet?
i am just sooo scared i guess.
nobody talks about it, but the common decision for us children to come together and be with him for his heart bypass operation is our silent way of acknowledging the fear and the possibility that this might be the last time we see him alive, and that at least, he has all of us his children around him when he goes.
still, i am so scared.
papa is only 66.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Trips
the kids and i just got back from a four-day vacation at the world famous Boracay. needless to say we're all tired and tanned but happily so. we enjoyed our selves and did as we pleased, thank God for the comfortable budget we were able to bring with us (thank God even for the ex, their dad, who helped out quite surprisingly generously, when i told him where i was taking the kids and if he could help but it's up to him...)
on tuesday, i'll be off to another 5-day vacation trip, this time with my colleagues at work, where we will go on a package tour to Camiguin, somewhere far south of the Philippines.
on april 14-15, we department chairs and our dean are supposed to have a working beach excursion just somewhere north of our island, too, but i might not be able to make it as i would rather go to manila to be with my dad, who will be having his heart bypass surgery...
***
i will write more extensively on these trips later on, when i catch my breath and am able to collect my thoughts and impressions again, but for now, all i can say is that i've always welcomed the chance to travel, ever since i was a kid.
one of my most perused books was Disney's Wonderful World of Travel, and my other hobby when i was 8 or 9 years old-- aside from reading and writing-- was cutting out the coupons in magazines for free travel brochures and mailing them at the post office, so i could get all these wonderful travel catalogs back (of course i lied about my age heehee).
as with books, i think travel is the other best way to expand one's experiences and perspective of the world. not the touristy, shopping mall kind of travel, but the real kind, the kind where one engages in the lives of the natives more intimately by travelling as they do and eating as they do and living close to how they live.
it's not just a physical "trip" to another geographical location. in many ways, it becomes a mind trip to other states of consciousness and even a soul trip to other levels of being.
i grew up living in the mezzanine floor of what used to be my parent's store in a public market. i didn't have the "normal" childhood of playing physical games in lots of open spaces, or even just playing with dolls (my father thought it was an unnecessary luxury).
my childhood was spent working at the store, from sweeping the floor and wiping the dust off the merchandise, to helping in the inventory and tending the cash register as soon as i learned to count well, then on to attending to customers and suppliers and all the myriad sorts of strange people one gets to meet in a public market. there were no weekends nor holiday vacations (not even Christmas!... well only Good Friday, and even that was just half a day...), as weekends and holidays were the busiest store seasons too. we were forbidden to play too much with the other street and market kids because of their coarse manners and foul language. thank God my mother had the insight and foresight to provide us with books and lots of paper and pencils and crayons to at least let our imaginations run wild and free even as our physical bodies lived in cramped and dingy surroundings!
that's why i always say-- my father gave me roots (for his introducing us to the harsh realities of life at such tender ages), my mother gave me wings (for her introducing us to the value of imagination and dreams and following one's passions).
***
i have written a lot of my love for books and writing here, but rarely so of my love for travel. so in the next few blogs, i think i will focus more on these mind and soul trips, even as they take me physically to real geographical places.
hang on for the ride!
on tuesday, i'll be off to another 5-day vacation trip, this time with my colleagues at work, where we will go on a package tour to Camiguin, somewhere far south of the Philippines.
on april 14-15, we department chairs and our dean are supposed to have a working beach excursion just somewhere north of our island, too, but i might not be able to make it as i would rather go to manila to be with my dad, who will be having his heart bypass surgery...
***
i will write more extensively on these trips later on, when i catch my breath and am able to collect my thoughts and impressions again, but for now, all i can say is that i've always welcomed the chance to travel, ever since i was a kid.
one of my most perused books was Disney's Wonderful World of Travel, and my other hobby when i was 8 or 9 years old-- aside from reading and writing-- was cutting out the coupons in magazines for free travel brochures and mailing them at the post office, so i could get all these wonderful travel catalogs back (of course i lied about my age heehee).
as with books, i think travel is the other best way to expand one's experiences and perspective of the world. not the touristy, shopping mall kind of travel, but the real kind, the kind where one engages in the lives of the natives more intimately by travelling as they do and eating as they do and living close to how they live.
it's not just a physical "trip" to another geographical location. in many ways, it becomes a mind trip to other states of consciousness and even a soul trip to other levels of being.
i grew up living in the mezzanine floor of what used to be my parent's store in a public market. i didn't have the "normal" childhood of playing physical games in lots of open spaces, or even just playing with dolls (my father thought it was an unnecessary luxury).
my childhood was spent working at the store, from sweeping the floor and wiping the dust off the merchandise, to helping in the inventory and tending the cash register as soon as i learned to count well, then on to attending to customers and suppliers and all the myriad sorts of strange people one gets to meet in a public market. there were no weekends nor holiday vacations (not even Christmas!... well only Good Friday, and even that was just half a day...), as weekends and holidays were the busiest store seasons too. we were forbidden to play too much with the other street and market kids because of their coarse manners and foul language. thank God my mother had the insight and foresight to provide us with books and lots of paper and pencils and crayons to at least let our imaginations run wild and free even as our physical bodies lived in cramped and dingy surroundings!
that's why i always say-- my father gave me roots (for his introducing us to the harsh realities of life at such tender ages), my mother gave me wings (for her introducing us to the value of imagination and dreams and following one's passions).
***
i have written a lot of my love for books and writing here, but rarely so of my love for travel. so in the next few blogs, i think i will focus more on these mind and soul trips, even as they take me physically to real geographical places.
hang on for the ride!
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Thea's Talent
Thea first sketched this on paper from her own imagination, then scanned the sketch, and filled in the colors and the highlights using Corel. Tala means "stalking wolf", according to her, when I commented that it means "star" in Filipino Tagalog.
She's into pets now, particularly dogs. Check out her own self-created website/forum!
She is only 12 years old. She wants to be a computer animation artist, or one of those heroine character players at Disneyworld. : )
Friday, March 25, 2005
Bea's Wisdom
my four-year-old Beatrice, lying with her tummy on the floor, drawing with her crayons on a piece of paper, asks me, "Mama, how do i spell 'i love you'?"
so i spell it for her: I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U
she sighed, "why does it take so long when it's so easy to say?"
i stop to think. hmmm...
"because 'love' is the longest word, darling. it has four letters. next comes 'you', which has three letters."
she pauses too, with the butt tip of her red crayon on her chin, 'so 'I' is easy. but 'Love' and 'You' take a really long time!"
***
you got it right, baby.
: )
so i spell it for her: I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U
she sighed, "why does it take so long when it's so easy to say?"
i stop to think. hmmm...
"because 'love' is the longest word, darling. it has four letters. next comes 'you', which has three letters."
she pauses too, with the butt tip of her red crayon on her chin, 'so 'I' is easy. but 'Love' and 'You' take a really long time!"
***
you got it right, baby.
: )
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Summer Reading List
today is officially the first day of our summer vacation here, with endterm exams ending yesterday. that means i won't have classes to handle anymore for the next two months, although i will still be holding office as department chair for the last 6 weeks of my term. i will be officially taking my vacation leave during the last three weeks of may...
i started my vacation on the right foot. : ) i woke up at 6am today and went out for my long walk, which i haven't done for the last month! the two small kids were with me and they enjoyed running around and playing in the grass and picking flowers while i walked briskly and enjoyed the early morning breeze and light sunshine. then i took them to Jollibee (our local McDonald's here, even bigger than McDonald's on a per country basis!) for breakfast, after which paolo asked to be dropped off at his cousins' to spend the day playing with my sisters' children.
bea is now enjoying "Dora, The Explorer" on tv while i just finished showering. i have my work planned out for today -- a second visit to the ob-gyne for my annual pap smear results, my annual prophylaxis with the dentist, and my monthly facial at the skin care salon, in addition to cleaning out my closet, my bookshelves and organizing my paperwork. with all these done today and tomorrow (at the latest), i'm off to a good, relaxing and enriching summer and i can't wait!
***
what makes me particularly excited about summer is my summer reading list. our university library had a book sale yesterday and i ogled all the old and new books available for bargain sale. finally, i bought the following at only 50 to 80 pesos (50 to 75 cents) each!
take a look at the titles and the blurbs:
1. Lives of Our Own-- Secrets of Salty Old Women, by Caroline Bird, Houghton-Mifflin, 1995. "In this groundbreaking book, Caroline reports on the hitherto undocumented world of lively, productive, independent women who are inventing satisfying new lives for themselves, mostly after spending years in the traditional roles of wives and mothers." (although the book is about 55-something plus women, i certainly feel like the women described right now!)
2. Fire in the Belly--On Being A Man, by Sam Keen, Bantam, 1991. "With traditional notions of manhood under attack, today's men (and women) are looking for a new vision of masculinity. ... It begins with a frank discussion of men's unconscious bondage to Woman (not a woman), to the primal power that women wield over men. Only when men begin to learn the uniquely male mysteries can they go on to build nurturing, satisfying relationships with each other, with a mate and with a family." (so i can understand better how it is from The Other Side, and help "train" my men friends... until i get to My Man... heeheehee)
3. George Eliot: Voice of A Century, A Biography, by Frederick R. Karl, W. W. Norton, 1995. "Eliot, torn within by the contradictions between the desire to conserve the past and yet to change the limitations imposed by class and gender, proves to be a fascinating individual ..." (well, i think the reason for my choice is obvious. it strikes a chord within, and im hoping that by reading the book, i'll be provided with my own clearer roadmap in my own journey and blossoming as a woman, a writer, and a human being...)
4. Conversations with Maya Angelou, edited by Jeffrey M. Elliot, University Press of Mississipi, 1989. what hooked me was this blurb: "(Maya Angelou's) rhythmic, spellbinding cadence quickly draws you into her confidence as this admirably defiant artist tells you about her bewildering childhood... about black identity and self-image, about her romantic imagination ... about her personal commitment to the Civil Rights Movement, and about her rejection of all things that are negative." (sounds like me in that last part!!!)
5. Letters to Sartre:Simone de Beauvoir, translated and edited by Quentin Hoare, Little, Brown and Co., 1992. no need for a blurb. Simone de Beauvoir has been one of my personal heroines ever since i read her autobiography when i was only 17.
then, too, there are my two borrowed books from the library, borrowed since october of last year yet, which i only kept renewing but never managed to start reading:
1. Women, Sex and Addiction, A Search for Love and Power, by Charlotte Davis Kasl, PhD, Ticknor and Fields, 1989. " With this wise, compassionate book, women will learn to experience their sexuality as a source of love and positive power, and sex as an expression that honors the soul as well as the body."
2. Magdalena, The Sinner, A Novel, by Lilian Faschinger, Harper Collins, 1997. "One of the most original and controversial books to recently come out of Europe, Lilian Faschinger's Magdalena, The Sinner presents a headlong collision between eroticism and religion, men and women, freedom and conformity."
needless to say, for those who already know me and where i've been, the last two books reflect my state of mind since october, and the state of my concerns--exploring my sensuality and sexuality responsibly and with integrity, even as i grow to sexual and further emotional maturity...
***
hmmm...
notice a running theme through all the books? : )
i guess you can say that my summer reading list is my self-designed syllabus for growth.
mmmm... imagine the woman i would be after two months!!!
: D
i started my vacation on the right foot. : ) i woke up at 6am today and went out for my long walk, which i haven't done for the last month! the two small kids were with me and they enjoyed running around and playing in the grass and picking flowers while i walked briskly and enjoyed the early morning breeze and light sunshine. then i took them to Jollibee (our local McDonald's here, even bigger than McDonald's on a per country basis!) for breakfast, after which paolo asked to be dropped off at his cousins' to spend the day playing with my sisters' children.
bea is now enjoying "Dora, The Explorer" on tv while i just finished showering. i have my work planned out for today -- a second visit to the ob-gyne for my annual pap smear results, my annual prophylaxis with the dentist, and my monthly facial at the skin care salon, in addition to cleaning out my closet, my bookshelves and organizing my paperwork. with all these done today and tomorrow (at the latest), i'm off to a good, relaxing and enriching summer and i can't wait!
***
what makes me particularly excited about summer is my summer reading list. our university library had a book sale yesterday and i ogled all the old and new books available for bargain sale. finally, i bought the following at only 50 to 80 pesos (50 to 75 cents) each!
take a look at the titles and the blurbs:
1. Lives of Our Own-- Secrets of Salty Old Women, by Caroline Bird, Houghton-Mifflin, 1995. "In this groundbreaking book, Caroline reports on the hitherto undocumented world of lively, productive, independent women who are inventing satisfying new lives for themselves, mostly after spending years in the traditional roles of wives and mothers." (although the book is about 55-something plus women, i certainly feel like the women described right now!)
2. Fire in the Belly--On Being A Man, by Sam Keen, Bantam, 1991. "With traditional notions of manhood under attack, today's men (and women) are looking for a new vision of masculinity. ... It begins with a frank discussion of men's unconscious bondage to Woman (not a woman), to the primal power that women wield over men. Only when men begin to learn the uniquely male mysteries can they go on to build nurturing, satisfying relationships with each other, with a mate and with a family." (so i can understand better how it is from The Other Side, and help "train" my men friends... until i get to My Man... heeheehee)
3. George Eliot: Voice of A Century, A Biography, by Frederick R. Karl, W. W. Norton, 1995. "Eliot, torn within by the contradictions between the desire to conserve the past and yet to change the limitations imposed by class and gender, proves to be a fascinating individual ..." (well, i think the reason for my choice is obvious. it strikes a chord within, and im hoping that by reading the book, i'll be provided with my own clearer roadmap in my own journey and blossoming as a woman, a writer, and a human being...)
4. Conversations with Maya Angelou, edited by Jeffrey M. Elliot, University Press of Mississipi, 1989. what hooked me was this blurb: "(Maya Angelou's) rhythmic, spellbinding cadence quickly draws you into her confidence as this admirably defiant artist tells you about her bewildering childhood... about black identity and self-image, about her romantic imagination ... about her personal commitment to the Civil Rights Movement, and about her rejection of all things that are negative." (sounds like me in that last part!!!)
5. Letters to Sartre:Simone de Beauvoir, translated and edited by Quentin Hoare, Little, Brown and Co., 1992. no need for a blurb. Simone de Beauvoir has been one of my personal heroines ever since i read her autobiography when i was only 17.
then, too, there are my two borrowed books from the library, borrowed since october of last year yet, which i only kept renewing but never managed to start reading:
1. Women, Sex and Addiction, A Search for Love and Power, by Charlotte Davis Kasl, PhD, Ticknor and Fields, 1989. " With this wise, compassionate book, women will learn to experience their sexuality as a source of love and positive power, and sex as an expression that honors the soul as well as the body."
2. Magdalena, The Sinner, A Novel, by Lilian Faschinger, Harper Collins, 1997. "One of the most original and controversial books to recently come out of Europe, Lilian Faschinger's Magdalena, The Sinner presents a headlong collision between eroticism and religion, men and women, freedom and conformity."
needless to say, for those who already know me and where i've been, the last two books reflect my state of mind since october, and the state of my concerns--exploring my sensuality and sexuality responsibly and with integrity, even as i grow to sexual and further emotional maturity...
***
hmmm...
notice a running theme through all the books? : )
i guess you can say that my summer reading list is my self-designed syllabus for growth.
mmmm... imagine the woman i would be after two months!!!
: D
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Towards a Bigger "YES!"
a friend who's been having a stressful time doing the rounds of employment searching and interviews lately laughed when i commented on his last interview, which he said he didn't like at all -- "well, it's just one more NO, on your way to your YES".
he said it was a nice way of looking at it, but i hope he doesn't think im just being breezily witty, trying to cheer him up. it's actually another personal theory i have, when things don't work out for me.
when things don't work out, although im disappointed, i can also see why it didn't work out, especially what i didn't like, that made me say "NO", whether in words or actions.
so as not to dwell on self-esteem bashing, i focus instead on what i learned from what didn't work out, and basically it's a lesson on what i don't really like or want, when i thought i wanted/liked it or it didn't really matter in the first place.
so i now have a collection of "NOs" in my list, in terms of the kind of work i love to be doing for life, and the kind of man i would love to spend the rest of my life with.
in terms of work-- no to routine and drudgery and doing the same thing year in and year out, no to a controlling and very structured environment that discourages initiative and creativity, and no to not being able to directly serve people at all, without lots of human contact, to name a few.
in terms of life partner -- no to dishonesty and meanness and irresponsibility, no to a negative and judgmental and controlling attitude, no to unwillingness to admit mistakes and to learn new things, no to self-centeredness and who doesn't care about the things i am passionate about, no to poor health (if he can't take care of him self, he can't very well take care of other things in his life!), to name a few.
so maybe the next work and the next love will still show me more NOs i need to learn about my self,... or maybe i am getting to my YES now, little by little.
i can see it from the kind of work im doing now, which i enjoy; and the kind of men i'm meeting now, whom i enjoy, trust and respect, and who enjoy, trust and respect me back, as good friends, at least.
: )
he said it was a nice way of looking at it, but i hope he doesn't think im just being breezily witty, trying to cheer him up. it's actually another personal theory i have, when things don't work out for me.
when things don't work out, although im disappointed, i can also see why it didn't work out, especially what i didn't like, that made me say "NO", whether in words or actions.
so as not to dwell on self-esteem bashing, i focus instead on what i learned from what didn't work out, and basically it's a lesson on what i don't really like or want, when i thought i wanted/liked it or it didn't really matter in the first place.
so i now have a collection of "NOs" in my list, in terms of the kind of work i love to be doing for life, and the kind of man i would love to spend the rest of my life with.
in terms of work-- no to routine and drudgery and doing the same thing year in and year out, no to a controlling and very structured environment that discourages initiative and creativity, and no to not being able to directly serve people at all, without lots of human contact, to name a few.
in terms of life partner -- no to dishonesty and meanness and irresponsibility, no to a negative and judgmental and controlling attitude, no to unwillingness to admit mistakes and to learn new things, no to self-centeredness and who doesn't care about the things i am passionate about, no to poor health (if he can't take care of him self, he can't very well take care of other things in his life!), to name a few.
so maybe the next work and the next love will still show me more NOs i need to learn about my self,... or maybe i am getting to my YES now, little by little.
i can see it from the kind of work im doing now, which i enjoy; and the kind of men i'm meeting now, whom i enjoy, trust and respect, and who enjoy, trust and respect me back, as good friends, at least.
: )
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Rough Day Turned Right Side Up
today is probably one of the roughest days i will always remember in my whole memorable life.
it's not so much what's happened but that i didn't have the energies to be Grace, much less to be Fire. all i wanted to do today by noon was to climb into bed and hide under the covers and weep.
woke up at 2am for a bathroom break, but as im wont to do, i check my email along the way for anything interesting. got an email from a friend i was fast falling for... and found him answering my question truthfully, at last, but belatedly.
another disappointment. another betrayal.
slept fitfully afterwards, wondering why i get involved with these types. thought of doing my Womanly Arts "spring cleaning" (another blog on that later) and analyzing all the past "friends" and why they ended up not the ones for me (tentative title, "Kiss and Tell", if i get around to actually writing it as a blog)... but sleep got the better of me, and so i dozed off.
woke up too late at 630 am. the ex was already outside honking, and i had to rush waking the kids up. he was upset and rushing, too, so he left the kids' allowances with the maid instead and drove off.
i didn't even manage to shower, just a quick facial wash and sponge bath and off to school with the kids, who were anxious about being late. after the two older ones were dropped off just in time, i was set to bring the youngest to her preschool recognition day dress rehearsal, when the maid told me she forgot to bring Bea's costume.
so we had to drive back home to get the damn costume and drive the other way around again to get her to the rehearsal. by this time, i was running late for my own students' thesis defense, and i pressed on the accelerator to get to school and embarassedly sneaked into the defense room, with the defense well underway already.
by midmorning i had a throbbing migraine, but i had to fetch Bea again. on the way to fetch Thea and Paolo, we were caught in heavy traffic. as we inched slowly along, the car suddenly stalled and spewed smoke inside! so i had to stop right there in the middle of the road and ask some people to push it towards the side of the road.
Bea, the maid and i got off and took out all our bags and packages, as we trudged on to find a taxi. it was getting near noon, and the extreme noonday heat was getting to us, with Bea whining, and me with a splitting headache.
still we had to go fetch Thea and Paolo. i seated the maid and Bea at a small diner near the school while i walked to fetch the two older kids. i told them we will eat lunch at the diner instead as it was too late for the maid to fix lunch at home, with the delay caused by the car trouble.
by noontime, at home, i was weepy. chatting with another good friend online helped. still, after a few minutes, i begged off to take a nap and give in to my need for crying it all away.
i slept a deep sleep, and woke up at 3pm, remembering that i missed my afternoon classes already! oh god. so i texted my students their assignments, and decided to take care of the car trouble instead.
i took another taxi ride to the opposite end of the city to my car mechanic's shop and literally begged him to take care of towing the car for me as i couldn't handle any more stress today! thankfully, he was quick to help and so, i was free for the rest of the afternoon to attend to other errands and chores i could have easily done with the car, but which took longer (and more expensive taxi rides) without the car. :(
by 5 pm, i was done. by 5 pm, i was also spent. so, despite a tight budget, i decided to treat my self to a manicure and pedicure at my favorite beauty parlor.
im glad i did, because it made the rest of an already beseiged day more manageable. by 7pm, i was home, and i further treated my self to a long leisurely bath, all alone. i expressly prohibited the small kids from joining me, as they are usually wont to do.
then, another friend, the one i had a fun date with last month, texted to say he's in town again, and asked for another date on friday evening.
hmmm. : )
of course i said yes. at least the day is ending in a more upbeat mood than when it started.
what's very interesting is this little miracle i see happening over and over again-- once i start pleasuring my self, even in very little things like a beauty parlor treat, i not only feel better, but good things happen again!
it's almost like a mantra for rough days like this-- stop, take a deep breath and take care of your self first, and the rest follows after you.
wow.
this is discussed too in Womanly Arts,... but i wonder now whether this is just a womanly thing, or is this really a universal principle that applies to all?
i don't believe the Universe is gender unfair. so that's why im sharing this here, instead of at the other womanly blog.
:)
it's not so much what's happened but that i didn't have the energies to be Grace, much less to be Fire. all i wanted to do today by noon was to climb into bed and hide under the covers and weep.
woke up at 2am for a bathroom break, but as im wont to do, i check my email along the way for anything interesting. got an email from a friend i was fast falling for... and found him answering my question truthfully, at last, but belatedly.
another disappointment. another betrayal.
slept fitfully afterwards, wondering why i get involved with these types. thought of doing my Womanly Arts "spring cleaning" (another blog on that later) and analyzing all the past "friends" and why they ended up not the ones for me (tentative title, "Kiss and Tell", if i get around to actually writing it as a blog)... but sleep got the better of me, and so i dozed off.
woke up too late at 630 am. the ex was already outside honking, and i had to rush waking the kids up. he was upset and rushing, too, so he left the kids' allowances with the maid instead and drove off.
i didn't even manage to shower, just a quick facial wash and sponge bath and off to school with the kids, who were anxious about being late. after the two older ones were dropped off just in time, i was set to bring the youngest to her preschool recognition day dress rehearsal, when the maid told me she forgot to bring Bea's costume.
so we had to drive back home to get the damn costume and drive the other way around again to get her to the rehearsal. by this time, i was running late for my own students' thesis defense, and i pressed on the accelerator to get to school and embarassedly sneaked into the defense room, with the defense well underway already.
by midmorning i had a throbbing migraine, but i had to fetch Bea again. on the way to fetch Thea and Paolo, we were caught in heavy traffic. as we inched slowly along, the car suddenly stalled and spewed smoke inside! so i had to stop right there in the middle of the road and ask some people to push it towards the side of the road.
Bea, the maid and i got off and took out all our bags and packages, as we trudged on to find a taxi. it was getting near noon, and the extreme noonday heat was getting to us, with Bea whining, and me with a splitting headache.
still we had to go fetch Thea and Paolo. i seated the maid and Bea at a small diner near the school while i walked to fetch the two older kids. i told them we will eat lunch at the diner instead as it was too late for the maid to fix lunch at home, with the delay caused by the car trouble.
by noontime, at home, i was weepy. chatting with another good friend online helped. still, after a few minutes, i begged off to take a nap and give in to my need for crying it all away.
i slept a deep sleep, and woke up at 3pm, remembering that i missed my afternoon classes already! oh god. so i texted my students their assignments, and decided to take care of the car trouble instead.
i took another taxi ride to the opposite end of the city to my car mechanic's shop and literally begged him to take care of towing the car for me as i couldn't handle any more stress today! thankfully, he was quick to help and so, i was free for the rest of the afternoon to attend to other errands and chores i could have easily done with the car, but which took longer (and more expensive taxi rides) without the car. :(
by 5 pm, i was done. by 5 pm, i was also spent. so, despite a tight budget, i decided to treat my self to a manicure and pedicure at my favorite beauty parlor.
im glad i did, because it made the rest of an already beseiged day more manageable. by 7pm, i was home, and i further treated my self to a long leisurely bath, all alone. i expressly prohibited the small kids from joining me, as they are usually wont to do.
then, another friend, the one i had a fun date with last month, texted to say he's in town again, and asked for another date on friday evening.
hmmm. : )
of course i said yes. at least the day is ending in a more upbeat mood than when it started.
what's very interesting is this little miracle i see happening over and over again-- once i start pleasuring my self, even in very little things like a beauty parlor treat, i not only feel better, but good things happen again!
it's almost like a mantra for rough days like this-- stop, take a deep breath and take care of your self first, and the rest follows after you.
wow.
this is discussed too in Womanly Arts,... but i wonder now whether this is just a womanly thing, or is this really a universal principle that applies to all?
i don't believe the Universe is gender unfair. so that's why im sharing this here, instead of at the other womanly blog.
:)
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
My Life in One Page
what is your life like when contained in one page?
my answers to two questions in a survey made me sit up... and stand still.
my answers to two questions in a survey made me sit up... and stand still.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
New Windows Opening
When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He always opens a window!
- Maria, The Sound of Music
***
i leave for manila on the first flight out tomorrow, and come back on the last flight in on sunday. i will be documenting a conference of non-government organizations in the famed resort city, Tagaytay.
i am looking forward to the trip, not just because travel always enriches and renews me, and not just because i'll be doing something i love to do (write) and am good at (document) and will be with likeminded people about my passion for community service, but also because i am hoping and praying that this trip will be the start of a new career opportunity for me, doing the network of conference documenting.
how i got into this opportunity in the first place is serendipitous. i have a friend and colleague who's a key officer of the national committee of these non-government organizations. for the last two years now, i have been helping them write and edit their regular publications and reports, for free-- because of my friend, because i believed in what they do in serving other people, and because i just simply enjoyed the work, with the enjoyment as compensation in itself.
well, what do you know? this national association of non-government organizations are able now to more closely work with an international grant provider who can provide them with the funds to hold national conferences like this coming one, and to hire professional documentors along the way. my friend suggested my name to them and they were quick to hire me.
the offer was very welcome to me, too, personally. i'd be earning the equivalent of my half-month salary in just two days of documenting. all my other expenses will be paid--airfare, accommodations, food, local transportation. it would be like taking a paid vacation doing what i love to do and earning extra cash from it for the kids and my summer vacation and summer lessons! : )
the most serendipitous thing for me, though, is that the offer came in just as i handed in my resignation as Chair, last month.
this is just another proof to me that when you follow your heart, even when you say goodbye to some things which are not part of your heart's desires anymore, new things come to you which are more aligned to your heart's desires.
when you follow your heart, you need never be afraid of what comes next, for you will be taken care of. always.
the Universe is a good place to be, if only we allow It to do its work.
- Maria, The Sound of Music
***
i leave for manila on the first flight out tomorrow, and come back on the last flight in on sunday. i will be documenting a conference of non-government organizations in the famed resort city, Tagaytay.
i am looking forward to the trip, not just because travel always enriches and renews me, and not just because i'll be doing something i love to do (write) and am good at (document) and will be with likeminded people about my passion for community service, but also because i am hoping and praying that this trip will be the start of a new career opportunity for me, doing the network of conference documenting.
how i got into this opportunity in the first place is serendipitous. i have a friend and colleague who's a key officer of the national committee of these non-government organizations. for the last two years now, i have been helping them write and edit their regular publications and reports, for free-- because of my friend, because i believed in what they do in serving other people, and because i just simply enjoyed the work, with the enjoyment as compensation in itself.
well, what do you know? this national association of non-government organizations are able now to more closely work with an international grant provider who can provide them with the funds to hold national conferences like this coming one, and to hire professional documentors along the way. my friend suggested my name to them and they were quick to hire me.
the offer was very welcome to me, too, personally. i'd be earning the equivalent of my half-month salary in just two days of documenting. all my other expenses will be paid--airfare, accommodations, food, local transportation. it would be like taking a paid vacation doing what i love to do and earning extra cash from it for the kids and my summer vacation and summer lessons! : )
the most serendipitous thing for me, though, is that the offer came in just as i handed in my resignation as Chair, last month.
this is just another proof to me that when you follow your heart, even when you say goodbye to some things which are not part of your heart's desires anymore, new things come to you which are more aligned to your heart's desires.
when you follow your heart, you need never be afraid of what comes next, for you will be taken care of. always.
the Universe is a good place to be, if only we allow It to do its work.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Moving On
i may not be writing on this blog for long. well, i'm sure i will not be writing my very personal pieces here anymore. (blush! blush!)
i've been feeling and thinking this quite a bit lately, how i've sort of outgrown this blog, or how some pieces here aren't really fit for general public consumption (another blush!), and i've been thinking of changing the look of this blog to a more feminine and intimate one. but once, i did try and i was afraid of the warning that some settings i might have here would be lost with the new template, so i hesitated.
anyway, i'm still thinking, too, that i might be keeping this blog, but more in line with the blog title, about life happening, not necessarily always to me, but maybe to other people too. : ) but i'm still thinking how to work that out without looking and sounding like a gossip column. hahaaa.
so i guess this is another ending here of some sorts. even if i won't delete this blog, it will surely take on a more thematic kind of content, as with my other new blog (it's in the Links section at the sidebar, too).
thank you to the friends i have made through this blog, who have shared my journey and adventures, who have commiserated with me and cheered me up especially when i was at my bottomest pit.
thanks, especially, to kolzen, who was the first friend i made here, and who gave me the idea that indeed, despite the virtual environment, there are living, breathing, caring real people out there in this wide wide world! then there was tim, and then jenny, belbeth, dan and amir, aside from my real-life friends talia and rolen and my cousin alvin.
so, this is a goodbye, and a hello at the same time, too. : )
on to our next adventures! cheers!
i've been feeling and thinking this quite a bit lately, how i've sort of outgrown this blog, or how some pieces here aren't really fit for general public consumption (another blush!), and i've been thinking of changing the look of this blog to a more feminine and intimate one. but once, i did try and i was afraid of the warning that some settings i might have here would be lost with the new template, so i hesitated.
anyway, i'm still thinking, too, that i might be keeping this blog, but more in line with the blog title, about life happening, not necessarily always to me, but maybe to other people too. : ) but i'm still thinking how to work that out without looking and sounding like a gossip column. hahaaa.
so i guess this is another ending here of some sorts. even if i won't delete this blog, it will surely take on a more thematic kind of content, as with my other new blog (it's in the Links section at the sidebar, too).
thank you to the friends i have made through this blog, who have shared my journey and adventures, who have commiserated with me and cheered me up especially when i was at my bottomest pit.
thanks, especially, to kolzen, who was the first friend i made here, and who gave me the idea that indeed, despite the virtual environment, there are living, breathing, caring real people out there in this wide wide world! then there was tim, and then jenny, belbeth, dan and amir, aside from my real-life friends talia and rolen and my cousin alvin.
so, this is a goodbye, and a hello at the same time, too. : )
on to our next adventures! cheers!
Big Jars, Little Jars
i have come to formulate this personal theory about people and relationships and why some times things don't work out: people are like jars that come in many sizes and colors, the bigger the jar the bigger the capacity and need for loving.
so many times, a big but simple-looking earthen jar is attracted to a petite but fabulously-colored little jar. they hang around for a while, pouring wine into each other.
Little Jar gets filled up easily, and can't handle more. Big Jar pours a lot and needs a lot to be refilled. so one day, Little Jar is soo full she actually starts breaking. Big Jar, in the meantime, has always been left with the feeling of being only half-full when he's with Little Jar. and so, he starts looking for other filling from other Jars, which are like Little Jar's size and color, but not quite. (it can also be the other way around with Big Jar a she, and Little Jar a he.)
and on and on it goes, Big Jar and Little Jar trying to share their wine by refilling each other, but not exactly in the way they like to be filled. and so, one day, their being together has to end.
*****
so far, i've been feeling like i'm Big Jar, surrounded by so many Little Jars, wanting, grasping for so much from me, but never giving back to me as much in return.
and i am just soooo tired now.
a friend has suggested, well why don't you put the lid on Big Jar for a while and stay put, and wait for another Big Jar to come along?
good idea, but what if this Big Jar didn't come with a lid?
i will have to make one, i guess.
so many times, a big but simple-looking earthen jar is attracted to a petite but fabulously-colored little jar. they hang around for a while, pouring wine into each other.
Little Jar gets filled up easily, and can't handle more. Big Jar pours a lot and needs a lot to be refilled. so one day, Little Jar is soo full she actually starts breaking. Big Jar, in the meantime, has always been left with the feeling of being only half-full when he's with Little Jar. and so, he starts looking for other filling from other Jars, which are like Little Jar's size and color, but not quite. (it can also be the other way around with Big Jar a she, and Little Jar a he.)
and on and on it goes, Big Jar and Little Jar trying to share their wine by refilling each other, but not exactly in the way they like to be filled. and so, one day, their being together has to end.
*****
so far, i've been feeling like i'm Big Jar, surrounded by so many Little Jars, wanting, grasping for so much from me, but never giving back to me as much in return.
and i am just soooo tired now.
a friend has suggested, well why don't you put the lid on Big Jar for a while and stay put, and wait for another Big Jar to come along?
good idea, but what if this Big Jar didn't come with a lid?
i will have to make one, i guess.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Endings
it's only a little after the beginning of the year -- the western new year, the Chinese New Year, and even my own birthday year and cycle-- but im feeling like a war-torn veteran of several endings already.
if i didn't know any better, i would give in to that old bitching voice inside me, "what is it with you? why are you not satisfied with what is already there? why long for more? how dare you not stick with what's apparently good enough for most people?" which still follows me around in the aftermath of each ending.
but then, there's this other growing voice inside me, growing louder and stronger at each ending, that tells me, "this is not the one for you. you've grown enough to know who you really are and what is for you, and you know that this is not who you are, or who you want to be for long. so it's okay dear heart, you are just having to say 'no' now to a lot of things and people you should have said 'no' to years ago, but then you needed the lesson they give you to bring you closer and clearer to who you really are. you are just saying 'no' now, clearing out space in your life, and saying 'yes' to what is still being formed but is definitely coming!"
still, it's a lonely occupation, seeing clearly and choosing consciously, saying 'no' to what is already here, in favor of a bigger, higher 'yes' still unformed, keeping faith that it is on its way... standing alone in the crowd.
times like these, i actually wish i could just go back to sleep and slide away into the throng of the invisible mindless masses.
if i didn't know any better, i would give in to that old bitching voice inside me, "what is it with you? why are you not satisfied with what is already there? why long for more? how dare you not stick with what's apparently good enough for most people?" which still follows me around in the aftermath of each ending.
but then, there's this other growing voice inside me, growing louder and stronger at each ending, that tells me, "this is not the one for you. you've grown enough to know who you really are and what is for you, and you know that this is not who you are, or who you want to be for long. so it's okay dear heart, you are just having to say 'no' now to a lot of things and people you should have said 'no' to years ago, but then you needed the lesson they give you to bring you closer and clearer to who you really are. you are just saying 'no' now, clearing out space in your life, and saying 'yes' to what is still being formed but is definitely coming!"
still, it's a lonely occupation, seeing clearly and choosing consciously, saying 'no' to what is already here, in favor of a bigger, higher 'yes' still unformed, keeping faith that it is on its way... standing alone in the crowd.
times like these, i actually wish i could just go back to sleep and slide away into the throng of the invisible mindless masses.
Magdalene, Reclaiming Self
Nevermore
will i disrobe
for a man
who claims
to love me
yet still wears
in his hand
the troth
of an old beloved
in his heart.
will i disrobe
for a man
who claims
to love me
yet still wears
in his hand
the troth
of an old beloved
in his heart.
What My PJ Training Has Taught Me
My basic peace journalism (PJ) training has strangely done significant wonders, not in my writing, but in my speaking.
I have been writing freelance for local, national and some international publications for the past 24 years, since I was 13 years old, and the concepts I learned from my PJ training were basically just another set of tools in the bag which I could use in presenting topics and issues in a manner that promotes deeper thought and reflection, and a more peaceful consciousness.
But, it has only been half a year since my PJ training weekend ended and already, I have made notable strides in my improvement as a peace-promoting speaker.
Being by nature open, honest and candid, I've always have had a personal struggle with speaking my truth in a non-threatening, less hurtful way.
When I do speak my truth, I have been called everything from "refreshingly candid" to "painfully honest" to "brutally blunt" and "insensitive", and it has always been a struggle for me to get my message across as kindly as I could. So, my usual recourse before, when faced with the choice of either being brutally blunt or kind, was to hold my tongue and just stew in silence. Some times, it worked, especially if the issue at hand was not so important; but more often, in matters of principle, it only made me guilty and resentful, and I ended up brutalizing bluntly, anyway.
Now, with my PJ training, I have found a better recourse. Here are some of the few concepts I have used to improve my speaking behavior:
1. Separate facts from perception and opinion.
Whenever a topic is discussed, it usually escalates to an "issue" for argument, when the people involved mix up their facts with their own perceptions and opinions, and mistake their own version of truth as The Truth. So, in speaking with people now, especially when I find that the discussion is quickly heating up, I take a deep breath, step back (even if only mentally), and ask the other person involved and my self if we can please review first what has exactly happened, and THEN discuss our feelings and opinion about what has happened.
Usually, I find that we agree on what has happened. If not, we only disagree at those points where we had incorrect or partial information, and a cool, calm, non-threatening review of the facts brings out all the information necessary, from all sides.
This initial agreement almost instantly brings the boiling temperature down to a manageable level, so that by the time we discuss our opinions, we are able to see that each other's opinion is filtered by each other's unique personal background and character, even if the opinion also always contains a grain of truth in it. When we bring the discussion further deeper into the feeling level, we begin to appreciate each other's vulnerability as a human being, and we learn to be more careful of the words we use because at a basic level, our words either harm or heal.
2. There are always more than two extremely opposing sides to an issue.
Given the experience above, one soon learns that the world is more of a rainbow than a strictly black-and-white palette. As more people are involved in a discussion, and no. 1 above is observed, one sees and learns that there are many truths leading to a bigger truth, and in a most basic way, each truth is valid, from each person's point of view.
Given this principle, which gives rise to the notion of also interviewing the "people on the ground" (those directly and intimately connected with the issue at hand), aside from just interviewing the official "authorities", I have also learned to ask about the facts from primary sources rather than just secondary ones, no matter how authoritative they are supposed to be. And I am learning that there is a whole spectrum of interpretation of the facts, usually according to the source's intimacy with the actual event.
3. Beware of labels.
"You are just plain lazy, that's the problem." When faced with this statement, our usual reaction is to respond back defensively or attack the other person, too, quickly contributing to escalating conflict.
But if we step back and ask some initial probing questions--
a. Why do you say that?
b. What did I do to make you say that?
to get the facts, we soon learn that the accusation is basically just a perception and opinion of the other person. That realization is a tremendous release to not take things too personally anymore, and if we care about the person or the relationship with that person, to focus on working to a better understanding of facts and the personalities involved, thus creating a richer and more harmonious relationship.
"The project is a failure, because you did not perform as expected." Again, this is simply an opinion. What does one mean by "failure", according to which standards? What was expected? Was it a generally understood expectation, or was it a personal expectation of the other?
4. The best complaint is the one that also suggests a solution. Otherwise, it is just plain bitching.
We are so enmeshed in a global culture of complaining-- of mistaking opinions for facts, of a you-(or they)against-us mentality, of thoughtlessly assigning dangerous and unfair labels--without also engendering a culture of solutions that it is no wonder our world is so conflicted these days.
Imagine what could happen if, for every time a person, citizen, lawmaker, lawbreaker complains, there is a "penalty" of also coming up with a suggested solution to the "problem" (I prefer to use the word "challenge"; "problem" connotes an impassable blockage, "challenge" connotes the potential for hurdling it)? It would be good, too, to "require" the complainer to be an active part of that solution. : )
And imagine further what could happen if, when a solution is suggested, all parties involved take time to thoughtfully reflect on the perceived challenge and the suggested solution, discuss the facts involved, as well as the opinions and feelings on the matter?
(Imagine Bush and Bin Laden doing this? Heehee. On deeper thought, is it really about Bush vs. Bin Laden? Hmmm. But then, that's another story.)
Just the experience of going through this process transforms the persons involved, into becoming more humane and peaceful, instead of regressing to just being mindless, helpless complainers.
In the end, the best lesson I learned, not just from my PJ training itself, but from working with Pax Christi, is the first lesson I learned when I joined Pax Christi, and it is the opening statement we use in the Peace and Conflict Journalism Network (PECOJON)'s e-group website's introductory note:
Conflict is part of life; conflict is part of change.
And, conflict does not necessarily mean violence. There are other alternative, more co-creative ways of addressing conflict.
Peace offers many avenues.*
I have been writing freelance for local, national and some international publications for the past 24 years, since I was 13 years old, and the concepts I learned from my PJ training were basically just another set of tools in the bag which I could use in presenting topics and issues in a manner that promotes deeper thought and reflection, and a more peaceful consciousness.
But, it has only been half a year since my PJ training weekend ended and already, I have made notable strides in my improvement as a peace-promoting speaker.
Being by nature open, honest and candid, I've always have had a personal struggle with speaking my truth in a non-threatening, less hurtful way.
When I do speak my truth, I have been called everything from "refreshingly candid" to "painfully honest" to "brutally blunt" and "insensitive", and it has always been a struggle for me to get my message across as kindly as I could. So, my usual recourse before, when faced with the choice of either being brutally blunt or kind, was to hold my tongue and just stew in silence. Some times, it worked, especially if the issue at hand was not so important; but more often, in matters of principle, it only made me guilty and resentful, and I ended up brutalizing bluntly, anyway.
Now, with my PJ training, I have found a better recourse. Here are some of the few concepts I have used to improve my speaking behavior:
1. Separate facts from perception and opinion.
Whenever a topic is discussed, it usually escalates to an "issue" for argument, when the people involved mix up their facts with their own perceptions and opinions, and mistake their own version of truth as The Truth. So, in speaking with people now, especially when I find that the discussion is quickly heating up, I take a deep breath, step back (even if only mentally), and ask the other person involved and my self if we can please review first what has exactly happened, and THEN discuss our feelings and opinion about what has happened.
Usually, I find that we agree on what has happened. If not, we only disagree at those points where we had incorrect or partial information, and a cool, calm, non-threatening review of the facts brings out all the information necessary, from all sides.
This initial agreement almost instantly brings the boiling temperature down to a manageable level, so that by the time we discuss our opinions, we are able to see that each other's opinion is filtered by each other's unique personal background and character, even if the opinion also always contains a grain of truth in it. When we bring the discussion further deeper into the feeling level, we begin to appreciate each other's vulnerability as a human being, and we learn to be more careful of the words we use because at a basic level, our words either harm or heal.
2. There are always more than two extremely opposing sides to an issue.
Given the experience above, one soon learns that the world is more of a rainbow than a strictly black-and-white palette. As more people are involved in a discussion, and no. 1 above is observed, one sees and learns that there are many truths leading to a bigger truth, and in a most basic way, each truth is valid, from each person's point of view.
Given this principle, which gives rise to the notion of also interviewing the "people on the ground" (those directly and intimately connected with the issue at hand), aside from just interviewing the official "authorities", I have also learned to ask about the facts from primary sources rather than just secondary ones, no matter how authoritative they are supposed to be. And I am learning that there is a whole spectrum of interpretation of the facts, usually according to the source's intimacy with the actual event.
3. Beware of labels.
"You are just plain lazy, that's the problem." When faced with this statement, our usual reaction is to respond back defensively or attack the other person, too, quickly contributing to escalating conflict.
But if we step back and ask some initial probing questions--
a. Why do you say that?
b. What did I do to make you say that?
to get the facts, we soon learn that the accusation is basically just a perception and opinion of the other person. That realization is a tremendous release to not take things too personally anymore, and if we care about the person or the relationship with that person, to focus on working to a better understanding of facts and the personalities involved, thus creating a richer and more harmonious relationship.
"The project is a failure, because you did not perform as expected." Again, this is simply an opinion. What does one mean by "failure", according to which standards? What was expected? Was it a generally understood expectation, or was it a personal expectation of the other?
4. The best complaint is the one that also suggests a solution. Otherwise, it is just plain bitching.
We are so enmeshed in a global culture of complaining-- of mistaking opinions for facts, of a you-(or they)against-us mentality, of thoughtlessly assigning dangerous and unfair labels--without also engendering a culture of solutions that it is no wonder our world is so conflicted these days.
Imagine what could happen if, for every time a person, citizen, lawmaker, lawbreaker complains, there is a "penalty" of also coming up with a suggested solution to the "problem" (I prefer to use the word "challenge"; "problem" connotes an impassable blockage, "challenge" connotes the potential for hurdling it)? It would be good, too, to "require" the complainer to be an active part of that solution. : )
And imagine further what could happen if, when a solution is suggested, all parties involved take time to thoughtfully reflect on the perceived challenge and the suggested solution, discuss the facts involved, as well as the opinions and feelings on the matter?
(Imagine Bush and Bin Laden doing this? Heehee. On deeper thought, is it really about Bush vs. Bin Laden? Hmmm. But then, that's another story.)
Just the experience of going through this process transforms the persons involved, into becoming more humane and peaceful, instead of regressing to just being mindless, helpless complainers.
In the end, the best lesson I learned, not just from my PJ training itself, but from working with Pax Christi, is the first lesson I learned when I joined Pax Christi, and it is the opening statement we use in the Peace and Conflict Journalism Network (PECOJON)'s e-group website's introductory note:
Conflict is part of life; conflict is part of change.
And, conflict does not necessarily mean violence. There are other alternative, more co-creative ways of addressing conflict.
Peace offers many avenues.*
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